This morning I was walking into Aldi's and I realized, for the past three years I have been going to this location. Three years ago I was substantially struggling with life. I had no home, I had no job, and I was heartbroken. Each day I was taking baby steps to piece it all together just to get through the moment so I could heal.
Now, three years later I am still going to the same Aldi's. This time I am in a different position. I have one full time job and three part time jobs. Steady paychecks coming in to pay the bills and help me get caught up on the debt that has piled up over the years. I am not broken, but not fully healed either. Not yet.
The new situation of stress in my life is my day job. I am very thankful and grateful for this job and very grateful for the paycheck that comes every two weeks. However, I am immensely unhappy and gradually becoming more and more unhealthy. What is the true cost to having a paycheck from a company who is running you into the ground and taking advantage of you? Yet, here I am walking in through the sliding glass doors, knowing I am still on a tight budget, but not scared I won't be able to afford vegetables and fruits for my chickens. However, as I walk through the aisles of this small grocery store, I am fighting tears, doing what I can to avoid eye contact so I don't have a moment of weakness that would make me start to cry.
While I don't know what to do exactly here, I do need a job, I want to get ahead and ideally I want to buy a house in the next few months. In order to do that - I need to work, and keep this current position so I can stay in good standing with the bank for my potential house loan. I want to try and keep this job until May, then I can go enjoy their company picnic, and hopefully have found more rewarding employment by then. I'm burnt out, frustrated, unhappy, and desire to be in a completely different career field. Which is why when one has a goal, they need to find the drive within them to pursue it. The road to success is paved with a million stories. Everyone has gotten to where they are differently.
We are all on our own journey. Often we will have set backs, fall down, skin our knees, have hurt feelings, but we have to get up and move forward. Maybe all you can do is take the smallest steps in the world as you fight through your hurt and pain. It doesn't matter the size of the step, you just have to take them one foot in front of the other. What is amazing about our journey is the people, the life experiences that we will encounter and endure during those steps which are being taken.
Then, the next thing you know, three years have passed, and you have more wisdom, more of a life lived, and the hurt is even further behind you.
No matter where you are today, you can be somewhere completely different tomorrow, next month or next year. Maybe your physical location is the same, but the path to where you truly want to be in life, can be achieved with hard work and dedication.
It certainly will not be easy - no one ever said this would be easy and those who have, lied. However, that hard work you put in today will pay off, maybe not immediately, but with time you will see a change. IF you want to put in the effort.
Wednesday, November 23, 2016
Wednesday, November 16, 2016
Hatred
Yesterday, a man I know casually on Facebook posted how his daughter from Haiti experienced racism yesterday. He expressed how he was sad his daughter would go through such a thing.
While it is horribly awful for anyone to experience racism, you can experience ignorance in so many aspects. As parents, you want to protect your child from any kind of harm. However, sad and hurt feelings are a part of life, and it is how we react to them what really matters. If we are never taught how to handle being sad, hurt or scared in our youth, we won't ever know how to handle them as adults. That can potentially lead to a variety of vices, which often are not healthy.
When we face situations which cause hurt, sadness, anger, frustration, in our lives and especially in the lives of our children, use that as an opportunity to learn, to empower, uplift. Teach to show words of kindness and love to others. We all experience these emotions, and it is important to learn how to handle hurt feelings, so as we grow and begin to experience these emotions at work, at play, at church and any place life leads us, we are equipped to do our best to be our best. Because the only way to become our best self, is by being pushed to get out there.
When you experience hurt, sadness, or an emotion that brings you down, work through that hurt. Find the strength to push forward, and have peace in your heart.
We have hate in the world we live in, and it is how we react to it that matters.
While it is horribly awful for anyone to experience racism, you can experience ignorance in so many aspects. As parents, you want to protect your child from any kind of harm. However, sad and hurt feelings are a part of life, and it is how we react to them what really matters. If we are never taught how to handle being sad, hurt or scared in our youth, we won't ever know how to handle them as adults. That can potentially lead to a variety of vices, which often are not healthy.
When we face situations which cause hurt, sadness, anger, frustration, in our lives and especially in the lives of our children, use that as an opportunity to learn, to empower, uplift. Teach to show words of kindness and love to others. We all experience these emotions, and it is important to learn how to handle hurt feelings, so as we grow and begin to experience these emotions at work, at play, at church and any place life leads us, we are equipped to do our best to be our best. Because the only way to become our best self, is by being pushed to get out there.
When you experience hurt, sadness, or an emotion that brings you down, work through that hurt. Find the strength to push forward, and have peace in your heart.
We have hate in the world we live in, and it is how we react to it that matters.
Sunday, November 13, 2016
Life Altering
When I wake up in the morning it is to the blaring of an alarm clock. Often I hit snooze anywhere from fifteen to thirty minutes. I have been doing this routine of my current position since April, by the middle of June, I was burnt out.
Seeking a better life is what I am trying to do. I'm not afraid of hard work, I welcome it. However, more and more I am finding myself only focused on work and not the kind that drives me or motivates me. My heart wants more, it desires more and I am seeking more.
Tomorrow I will get the news of an opportunity which God has brought to me not just once, but twice. It would be a blessing to say the least. Working for an incredible organization, working with a group of intelligent and driven individuals who are wonderfully approachable. This opportunity, simply put, would alter my life.
I would be able to back almost completely away from the doctors office I work in on Saturday's. I would have the time to pursue my writing. Depending on my work performance will depend on the amount of hours which will over the course of time and results, potentially will increase the hours to this position. As that won't happen over night, the door to that position becoming full time lies in wait.
I have to believe in my heart if this opportunity is meant to be, it will be.
My heart is ready for a change. I'm worn out, tired, and working for a company which -as my mother puts it- takes advantage of me, I have to believe that God has something better waiting for me.
Seeking a better life is what I am trying to do. I'm not afraid of hard work, I welcome it. However, more and more I am finding myself only focused on work and not the kind that drives me or motivates me. My heart wants more, it desires more and I am seeking more.
Tomorrow I will get the news of an opportunity which God has brought to me not just once, but twice. It would be a blessing to say the least. Working for an incredible organization, working with a group of intelligent and driven individuals who are wonderfully approachable. This opportunity, simply put, would alter my life.
I would be able to back almost completely away from the doctors office I work in on Saturday's. I would have the time to pursue my writing. Depending on my work performance will depend on the amount of hours which will over the course of time and results, potentially will increase the hours to this position. As that won't happen over night, the door to that position becoming full time lies in wait.
I have to believe in my heart if this opportunity is meant to be, it will be.
My heart is ready for a change. I'm worn out, tired, and working for a company which -as my mother puts it- takes advantage of me, I have to believe that God has something better waiting for me.
Monday, October 31, 2016
Genetic Testing
There was a story on npr this morning about genetic testing babies.
I just do not agree with this practice.
My biggest concern, and forgive my conspiracy side here, but why do we need to know so much information and how much of it is being gathered by the government? I find it odd that while working in a doctors office in Middle-TN a genetic testing company came and encouraged doctors to test patients - especially those with Medicare - they got social security numbers, personal and medical information and one day...they closed up shop. No trace of them and majority of these patients who submitted to this testing NEVER got their results.
We have gone centuries doing just fine without genetic testing. I believe quite firmly we will continue to do find without it. Where it comes to specific treatment such as cancer, I open the doors and welcome it. However, to simply do random genetic testing on people and babies, no, I do not see the purpose. It only adds more worry, stress and fear.
Let us continue to live our lives, take care of ourselves, eat well and do our own research on top of what the medical doctors tell us when it comes to healthcare.
I just do not agree with this practice.
My biggest concern, and forgive my conspiracy side here, but why do we need to know so much information and how much of it is being gathered by the government? I find it odd that while working in a doctors office in Middle-TN a genetic testing company came and encouraged doctors to test patients - especially those with Medicare - they got social security numbers, personal and medical information and one day...they closed up shop. No trace of them and majority of these patients who submitted to this testing NEVER got their results.
We have gone centuries doing just fine without genetic testing. I believe quite firmly we will continue to do find without it. Where it comes to specific treatment such as cancer, I open the doors and welcome it. However, to simply do random genetic testing on people and babies, no, I do not see the purpose. It only adds more worry, stress and fear.
Let us continue to live our lives, take care of ourselves, eat well and do our own research on top of what the medical doctors tell us when it comes to healthcare.
Tuesday, September 27, 2016
Thoughts
When I am away from the computer, I come up with these stories, these ideas. Driving down the road I think of things I want to write and put into a story, a blog entry, an article. Then I get to my laptop and I am overwhelmed by the things which linger to get done. The disarray of my things stuffed into a single bedroom and I shut down. That idea I had two hours ago is gone.
Something I think about often is, where is this life leading? Three years ago life came crashing down, I was deeply depressed, two years ago I was living out on the streets, a year ago I was in the house I am in now renting a room. Currently, after trying to slowly get my truck fixed, pay bills as close to on time as possible, I am debating the idea of buying a house. My information is with a lender and I was suppose to get a call today to find out what they had to tell me. I have six months before I need to be out of where I live now. I am trying to figure out how I am going to buy a plane ticket to go home for Christmas, Christmas presents, rent, bills, start saving for a mission trip, new tires, an alignment, and rear repair to my truck, all within the next six months.
It is overwhelming. I don't even know what to think. Right now, I am tired, exhausted, I can barely keep my eyes open but after this particular day of feeling stressed, trying to get a work tablet to function, managing staff, going through belongings to try and get organized, I am done for the day. So much lies and waits ahead. There is so much I want to try and do. How it will all work out, I don't know, however, I feel I need to find the strength to somehow push through this exhaustion to go after the life I really want for myself.
I am incredibly grateful things are getting better, life is getting back on track. But, there is still a long ways to go to get to where I want to be.
#dreams #goals
Something I think about often is, where is this life leading? Three years ago life came crashing down, I was deeply depressed, two years ago I was living out on the streets, a year ago I was in the house I am in now renting a room. Currently, after trying to slowly get my truck fixed, pay bills as close to on time as possible, I am debating the idea of buying a house. My information is with a lender and I was suppose to get a call today to find out what they had to tell me. I have six months before I need to be out of where I live now. I am trying to figure out how I am going to buy a plane ticket to go home for Christmas, Christmas presents, rent, bills, start saving for a mission trip, new tires, an alignment, and rear repair to my truck, all within the next six months.
It is overwhelming. I don't even know what to think. Right now, I am tired, exhausted, I can barely keep my eyes open but after this particular day of feeling stressed, trying to get a work tablet to function, managing staff, going through belongings to try and get organized, I am done for the day. So much lies and waits ahead. There is so much I want to try and do. How it will all work out, I don't know, however, I feel I need to find the strength to somehow push through this exhaustion to go after the life I really want for myself.
I am incredibly grateful things are getting better, life is getting back on track. But, there is still a long ways to go to get to where I want to be.
#dreams #goals
Wednesday, September 21, 2016
FITNESS - Getting Back Into the Routine
I have been sick - the most sick I have been in at least ten years. It has been awful. A fever, sinus, coughing, absolutely miserable where I could barely get out of bed.
Well over two weeks went by where I did not work out at all. Now I am feeling better, and trying to get back into the routine. What a struggle I am facing.
I realize I need to work out, I am not one of those 'naturally skinny people'. Which I am beginning to think they really don't exist, at least not their entire lives. Along with needing to, I want to work out, I love how I feel after a good workout. When I don't work out, I can feel it. I ache more quickly, my muscles stiffen up more and I begin to feel blah.
Getting back into the routine started off strong on Friday. Then I got the news my friend was canceling and backing out on our dinner plans. Big bummer for me. The next day I had dinner plans with a different friend, and then she canceled. Even bigger bummer for me which left me sad and depressed. Good-bye new workout plans.
Come Monday I am feeling better, and going to the gym, 25 minutes on the treadmill use to be easy for me. My squats felt like it was taking forever just to get to 50 and I had to stop to rest to reach one minute on my planks.
What does a person do? Well, I have come to realize we need to be kinder to ourselves. I have not been pushing as hard as I want to for the past several months. Then I get sick and don't work out at all for over two weeks. Getting back into the routine is hard, and beating myself up over it wont' help at all. I believe this is something a lot of us face. We get off track and then struggle to get back on board. A lady at the front desk at the gym this morning told me she has not worked out for a month and she feels awful, her bones hurt, her muscles are stiff. She knows she needs to get back into it, and yet hesitates. Why?
Because getting back into what was part of our routine is not always easy. When we get started we are not where we were when we left off, so the self defeating thoughts come back and begin to attack us. This is where we need to rise up and be gentle, on us. I am only at 25 minutes on the treadmill, I was once at 45 minutes. I have moved up from 20 minutes from last week to 25 minutes this week. It is a slow start, yes, but it is a start to returning to my good healthy fitness habit. Maybe I am struggling to get to 60 seconds on my plank, but anytime I stop, I force myself to add on five more seconds. For instance, today at 42 seconds I couldn't hold it anymore. I dropped and hit pause on the timer. After a few seconds I popped back up and pushed myself to one minute and five seconds. Is it easy? Not at all, will it be worth it when I get back to where I was before, absolutely!
Just because we get off track, does not mean we have to remain off track. Start slowly, be forgiving, don't push hard, but ease into the fitness routine.
For my routine today - I did 25 minutes on the treadmill, almost half my weight routine, 65 squats, a minute and five second plank and those lift thingies on the funky contraption that helps with your abs (can you tell I do not know what this stationary machine is called?) :-)
It is a far cry from where I was, however, at least I was at the gym and I did what I could today.
Well over two weeks went by where I did not work out at all. Now I am feeling better, and trying to get back into the routine. What a struggle I am facing.
I realize I need to work out, I am not one of those 'naturally skinny people'. Which I am beginning to think they really don't exist, at least not their entire lives. Along with needing to, I want to work out, I love how I feel after a good workout. When I don't work out, I can feel it. I ache more quickly, my muscles stiffen up more and I begin to feel blah.
Getting back into the routine started off strong on Friday. Then I got the news my friend was canceling and backing out on our dinner plans. Big bummer for me. The next day I had dinner plans with a different friend, and then she canceled. Even bigger bummer for me which left me sad and depressed. Good-bye new workout plans.
Come Monday I am feeling better, and going to the gym, 25 minutes on the treadmill use to be easy for me. My squats felt like it was taking forever just to get to 50 and I had to stop to rest to reach one minute on my planks.
What does a person do? Well, I have come to realize we need to be kinder to ourselves. I have not been pushing as hard as I want to for the past several months. Then I get sick and don't work out at all for over two weeks. Getting back into the routine is hard, and beating myself up over it wont' help at all. I believe this is something a lot of us face. We get off track and then struggle to get back on board. A lady at the front desk at the gym this morning told me she has not worked out for a month and she feels awful, her bones hurt, her muscles are stiff. She knows she needs to get back into it, and yet hesitates. Why?
Because getting back into what was part of our routine is not always easy. When we get started we are not where we were when we left off, so the self defeating thoughts come back and begin to attack us. This is where we need to rise up and be gentle, on us. I am only at 25 minutes on the treadmill, I was once at 45 minutes. I have moved up from 20 minutes from last week to 25 minutes this week. It is a slow start, yes, but it is a start to returning to my good healthy fitness habit. Maybe I am struggling to get to 60 seconds on my plank, but anytime I stop, I force myself to add on five more seconds. For instance, today at 42 seconds I couldn't hold it anymore. I dropped and hit pause on the timer. After a few seconds I popped back up and pushed myself to one minute and five seconds. Is it easy? Not at all, will it be worth it when I get back to where I was before, absolutely!
Just because we get off track, does not mean we have to remain off track. Start slowly, be forgiving, don't push hard, but ease into the fitness routine.
For my routine today - I did 25 minutes on the treadmill, almost half my weight routine, 65 squats, a minute and five second plank and those lift thingies on the funky contraption that helps with your abs (can you tell I do not know what this stationary machine is called?) :-)
It is a far cry from where I was, however, at least I was at the gym and I did what I could today.
On Life: Being Happy
I have these days when I look at someone and wonder, "are they happy"?
It happened today as I was driving to work the second half of my day from the house. I was crossing on the dam at Percy Priest Lake and there was a boat just past the buoys. The sun was at an angle where I could not really see the person on the boat that clearly. It was obvious this individual was fishing and I thought, "is that person happy?"
What does it take to be happy in life? There has been much of my life where I really do not believe I am a happy person. There are also times I don't want to be. Then it passes and life moves on and it cycles back again. I just try to tolerate myself during these durations of contemplation of unhappiness and wait it out. However, this has been going on my entire life. I would like to think I am a happy person, not all the time, but I do try. I go out and attempt to have a good attitude, be positive, speak positivity into others. That doesn't stop those days or weeks when I just wonder why I am even here? I believe my life would have been so much better if it had been given to someone who actually knew what to do with it. I reflect back and see failure after failure, endless years as a worthless secretary, and it is horrendously depressing.
When I reflect back I think of how I could have done things differently. Unfortunately, I don't know how I could have done things differently. All I can do is move forward, hope this emotional battle I face dissipates and I can try to make tomorrow a better day. When I had jobs I really enjoyed I don't recall feeling this deeply about being so unhappy. I'm not saying every day was perfect and I'm sure there were times I felt down. Yet, when I have a job I really struggle with - for example, my current position - there are more days that are harder to get through. I need a steady paycheck, I know what life is like without a job. While it would be easier for me to suck it up and find a way to simply manage having a job I do not enjoy, I can't, it is not that easy for me. That adds to the stress and strain of who I am and the struggle I face. It also makes me on the verge of feeling depressed or adds to being depressed. With that extra weight of the situation, I have a hard time working on anything. From there it turns into a downward spiral, I am not doing my best so that bothers me. I struggle to work on my writing so that gets delayed and then I feel even more discouraged.
On top of it all, right now I have this sinus thing which will not go away. Then I get caught up thinking about my health, and add everything I have already listed along with it and I have placed this large depressing weight upon myself.
I tried taking these herbal supplements which were suppose to help with anxiety. I was on them for three days when I felt a lot worse. They were something different from what I took in the past and they did not work for me at all. A different herbal supplement I picked up at the same time has not been affective either. Unfortunately, what I use to take they did not carry and the lady behind the counter swore up and down this one herbal supplement was so much better and the reason she didn't need to carry this other supplement. GET IT IN STOCK, because this crap does not work for anything. At least not for me.
What does a person do when you still have bills to pay, Christmas is coming up, I have to move in about six months, I am doing all I can to make the best of my job, and I hate life, I have a very bad attitude and I feel I am losing hope. All of that in one word is 'depressing'. I don't know the solution, therapy just annoys me because I want to go in and challenge that therapist, but I don't have that in me and I can just hear that person stating how I made the decision to go in to get help. I also don't have the time or the extra money to go into therapy. More sleep may be part of the issue, yet I struggle to go to bed at a decent hour. Just last night I was fighting myself to turn off Netflix and when I finally did, layed down, I picked up my phone and played on the internet. Not healthy choices.
I don't know the answer. Maybe I am not the only one who struggles with this up and down series of emotions that leaves you crying by the side of the lake during your lunch hour, and hating people so much you want them to stay away. Yet, you feel so alone.
Up, down, back and forth, this just cannot be normal.
It happened today as I was driving to work the second half of my day from the house. I was crossing on the dam at Percy Priest Lake and there was a boat just past the buoys. The sun was at an angle where I could not really see the person on the boat that clearly. It was obvious this individual was fishing and I thought, "is that person happy?"
What does it take to be happy in life? There has been much of my life where I really do not believe I am a happy person. There are also times I don't want to be. Then it passes and life moves on and it cycles back again. I just try to tolerate myself during these durations of contemplation of unhappiness and wait it out. However, this has been going on my entire life. I would like to think I am a happy person, not all the time, but I do try. I go out and attempt to have a good attitude, be positive, speak positivity into others. That doesn't stop those days or weeks when I just wonder why I am even here? I believe my life would have been so much better if it had been given to someone who actually knew what to do with it. I reflect back and see failure after failure, endless years as a worthless secretary, and it is horrendously depressing.
When I reflect back I think of how I could have done things differently. Unfortunately, I don't know how I could have done things differently. All I can do is move forward, hope this emotional battle I face dissipates and I can try to make tomorrow a better day. When I had jobs I really enjoyed I don't recall feeling this deeply about being so unhappy. I'm not saying every day was perfect and I'm sure there were times I felt down. Yet, when I have a job I really struggle with - for example, my current position - there are more days that are harder to get through. I need a steady paycheck, I know what life is like without a job. While it would be easier for me to suck it up and find a way to simply manage having a job I do not enjoy, I can't, it is not that easy for me. That adds to the stress and strain of who I am and the struggle I face. It also makes me on the verge of feeling depressed or adds to being depressed. With that extra weight of the situation, I have a hard time working on anything. From there it turns into a downward spiral, I am not doing my best so that bothers me. I struggle to work on my writing so that gets delayed and then I feel even more discouraged.
On top of it all, right now I have this sinus thing which will not go away. Then I get caught up thinking about my health, and add everything I have already listed along with it and I have placed this large depressing weight upon myself.
I tried taking these herbal supplements which were suppose to help with anxiety. I was on them for three days when I felt a lot worse. They were something different from what I took in the past and they did not work for me at all. A different herbal supplement I picked up at the same time has not been affective either. Unfortunately, what I use to take they did not carry and the lady behind the counter swore up and down this one herbal supplement was so much better and the reason she didn't need to carry this other supplement. GET IT IN STOCK, because this crap does not work for anything. At least not for me.
What does a person do when you still have bills to pay, Christmas is coming up, I have to move in about six months, I am doing all I can to make the best of my job, and I hate life, I have a very bad attitude and I feel I am losing hope. All of that in one word is 'depressing'. I don't know the solution, therapy just annoys me because I want to go in and challenge that therapist, but I don't have that in me and I can just hear that person stating how I made the decision to go in to get help. I also don't have the time or the extra money to go into therapy. More sleep may be part of the issue, yet I struggle to go to bed at a decent hour. Just last night I was fighting myself to turn off Netflix and when I finally did, layed down, I picked up my phone and played on the internet. Not healthy choices.
I don't know the answer. Maybe I am not the only one who struggles with this up and down series of emotions that leaves you crying by the side of the lake during your lunch hour, and hating people so much you want them to stay away. Yet, you feel so alone.
Up, down, back and forth, this just cannot be normal.
Tuesday, September 20, 2016
Why They Stay
Why does one remain in a toxic situation?
While driving to work this morning, for some odd reason a comment in an e-mail that was sent out by a fellow Nashville Grotto member was going through my head. It was a comment regarding my ex's current female participant in his game of control. This person who had sent the e-mail has asked me on more than one occasion if things were not good in my relationship, why did I stay?
This is a question I can almost guarantee anyone who has been in an abusive relationship and was able to finally be free is asked. The truth is, leaving is more scary than staying. In my situation I had been looking for another job and whenever I went to apply, my ex would find an excuse to make me busy 'helping him'. Then I would be out of the time I needed to go and apply. This went on for months. A couple years ago I had come across a sheet of notebook paper with a list of jobs I wanted to go and apply for, at the top was in his handwriting a sad face. When things would get bad and I would pull away he would try and play nice and lure me back in. Unfortunately, I was insecure enough to return, after all like many others I did not want to live life alone.
There was the day when I had to face the fact I was not even telling two of my closest friends what was really going on in the relationship. If I did, it meant I would have to hear them tell me it was time to get out. I did not want to hear it, so I stayed quiet. Followed was me not even being able to look at myself in the mirror. Eventually I would stare out over the pretty landscape of the country side where we lived and the deep sadness I faced having to accept that view would be temporary. I had to get out and I did not know how.
Almost three years to the day has passed and while I have a decent paying job (not great, but it pays the bills and allows me to eat). I am looking to (hopefully) buy a house in the next year or so. However, I am still alone, I have gone out and dated and accepted that whole world is awful, why take a chance to be with the wrong guy? I dated one man for almost a year and he just up and stopped talking to me. I know he has issues, but I didn't think he would fall off the earth on me. Online dating is an absolute joke, bars are not an option, hobbies, volunteering, church, I have tried it ALL and I am still ALONE.
Yet, my ex is with his current female who he has been with since he and I broke up, so I look like to others a basket case, because he is in a relationship and I am not. The only peace I can bring to myself is the fact that he went from his wife to me (against my better judgment OUR friends insisted we date and talked me into going out with him), then a woman got between us, then he came back to me and now he is with her...rebound cannot end in a happy ending. I'm sure the fact that his spoiled brat son (yes, rude, but IF you ONLY KNEW) is out of the house and onto college, he doesn't work with her like he did me - which I loved, but he couldn't handle, and he does not want to be alone. DEEP INSECURITY - so of course he will do whatever it takes to pretend to be happy and make that relationship work. I keep telling myself the truth will set me free and that will eventually fall apart.
Until then, I cannot let myself think about it beyond that trail of thought. I go back to focusing on my life, my bills, my goals.
Unless you have been there, you cannot understand. It seems so simple, "just leave". It is not that simple. Especially if you do love that person, and maybe it seems twisted, how can you love someone who is mean and cruel to you? Because he was not always that way, so you being to make excuses for that behavior and from there it spirals. You proceed to have good days and bad days, good weeks and bad weeks. For me and for many other women, it means the loss of your home.
The best thing to do is if you cannot understand something, don't judge. Think about the words you speak as what you ask or question may seem innocent, but honestly, can be so hard to hear. Being in an abusive relationship, having to face yourself, your family, your friends, the world, is already hard. Then to hear things that seem simplistic to one who is not in that situation, who has steady employment, a place to live, food on the table, things you do not think twice about, is hurtful, and adds to the self defeating thoughts you are already fighting.
Be kind. Just be kind. Because the truth is, you really do not know what that other person may be going through or what they have been through. Especially when the answer is not as simple as it may seem to be.
While driving to work this morning, for some odd reason a comment in an e-mail that was sent out by a fellow Nashville Grotto member was going through my head. It was a comment regarding my ex's current female participant in his game of control. This person who had sent the e-mail has asked me on more than one occasion if things were not good in my relationship, why did I stay?
This is a question I can almost guarantee anyone who has been in an abusive relationship and was able to finally be free is asked. The truth is, leaving is more scary than staying. In my situation I had been looking for another job and whenever I went to apply, my ex would find an excuse to make me busy 'helping him'. Then I would be out of the time I needed to go and apply. This went on for months. A couple years ago I had come across a sheet of notebook paper with a list of jobs I wanted to go and apply for, at the top was in his handwriting a sad face. When things would get bad and I would pull away he would try and play nice and lure me back in. Unfortunately, I was insecure enough to return, after all like many others I did not want to live life alone.
There was the day when I had to face the fact I was not even telling two of my closest friends what was really going on in the relationship. If I did, it meant I would have to hear them tell me it was time to get out. I did not want to hear it, so I stayed quiet. Followed was me not even being able to look at myself in the mirror. Eventually I would stare out over the pretty landscape of the country side where we lived and the deep sadness I faced having to accept that view would be temporary. I had to get out and I did not know how.
Almost three years to the day has passed and while I have a decent paying job (not great, but it pays the bills and allows me to eat). I am looking to (hopefully) buy a house in the next year or so. However, I am still alone, I have gone out and dated and accepted that whole world is awful, why take a chance to be with the wrong guy? I dated one man for almost a year and he just up and stopped talking to me. I know he has issues, but I didn't think he would fall off the earth on me. Online dating is an absolute joke, bars are not an option, hobbies, volunteering, church, I have tried it ALL and I am still ALONE.
Yet, my ex is with his current female who he has been with since he and I broke up, so I look like to others a basket case, because he is in a relationship and I am not. The only peace I can bring to myself is the fact that he went from his wife to me (against my better judgment OUR friends insisted we date and talked me into going out with him), then a woman got between us, then he came back to me and now he is with her...rebound cannot end in a happy ending. I'm sure the fact that his spoiled brat son (yes, rude, but IF you ONLY KNEW) is out of the house and onto college, he doesn't work with her like he did me - which I loved, but he couldn't handle, and he does not want to be alone. DEEP INSECURITY - so of course he will do whatever it takes to pretend to be happy and make that relationship work. I keep telling myself the truth will set me free and that will eventually fall apart.
Until then, I cannot let myself think about it beyond that trail of thought. I go back to focusing on my life, my bills, my goals.
Unless you have been there, you cannot understand. It seems so simple, "just leave". It is not that simple. Especially if you do love that person, and maybe it seems twisted, how can you love someone who is mean and cruel to you? Because he was not always that way, so you being to make excuses for that behavior and from there it spirals. You proceed to have good days and bad days, good weeks and bad weeks. For me and for many other women, it means the loss of your home.
The best thing to do is if you cannot understand something, don't judge. Think about the words you speak as what you ask or question may seem innocent, but honestly, can be so hard to hear. Being in an abusive relationship, having to face yourself, your family, your friends, the world, is already hard. Then to hear things that seem simplistic to one who is not in that situation, who has steady employment, a place to live, food on the table, things you do not think twice about, is hurtful, and adds to the self defeating thoughts you are already fighting.
Be kind. Just be kind. Because the truth is, you really do not know what that other person may be going through or what they have been through. Especially when the answer is not as simple as it may seem to be.
Wednesday, September 14, 2016
Seeking a Better Life
I feel lost sometimes, mostly frustrated on any given day. There is so much more that I want out of life. I know what I want... I'm not 100% certain how to get there and I am simply hoping the steps I am taking will make it happen.
The whole process feels tiring and I am exhausted. Daily the idea of lying down, staring blankly at Netflix is so appealing, yet if I do, there is this very small voice telling me to get up, write, create, send out a query, research a magazine, what articles have the magazines you want to write for have published from the past six months. I go to click the mouse on the computer and traditionally end up going to the next show on Netflix. Mentally check out... I am trying to suck it at with my day job, it is not the greatest job, it is not the worst of jobs. I don't want to announce how displeased I am with the position as it is what pays the bills right now. It is also a position I need to keep me employed until the next step comes along and I do not know when that will be. For now, I keep hoping I can go home to see my family for Christmas, pursue writing to supplement my income and continue to gain credibility as a writer.
Thankfully, I have good resources, friends who are in the profession who are kind enough to encourage me and keep me sustained as I pursue my goals. It cannot be denied I pray those goals come to fruition sooner rather than later. Maintaining that energy is not always easy while working full time, with two part time jobs. Things are good, I just want better...and I keep pushing myself to keep putting one foot in front of the other until I can gain some ground and get there.
The whole process feels tiring and I am exhausted. Daily the idea of lying down, staring blankly at Netflix is so appealing, yet if I do, there is this very small voice telling me to get up, write, create, send out a query, research a magazine, what articles have the magazines you want to write for have published from the past six months. I go to click the mouse on the computer and traditionally end up going to the next show on Netflix. Mentally check out... I am trying to suck it at with my day job, it is not the greatest job, it is not the worst of jobs. I don't want to announce how displeased I am with the position as it is what pays the bills right now. It is also a position I need to keep me employed until the next step comes along and I do not know when that will be. For now, I keep hoping I can go home to see my family for Christmas, pursue writing to supplement my income and continue to gain credibility as a writer.
Thankfully, I have good resources, friends who are in the profession who are kind enough to encourage me and keep me sustained as I pursue my goals. It cannot be denied I pray those goals come to fruition sooner rather than later. Maintaining that energy is not always easy while working full time, with two part time jobs. Things are good, I just want better...and I keep pushing myself to keep putting one foot in front of the other until I can gain some ground and get there.
Monday, September 5, 2016
Life...is pissing me off
I am way off track from where I want to be. It is absolutely irritating. It doesn't help that while I may like the independence my job offers, I don't like it. I don't like driving all over Middle-TN to get to offices to figure out how to run their 'lab' which is really in a loose term, and not make any damn mistakes, to be off to a different place the next day. I have my routine interrupted every day. I don't get to the gym as I want which is disappointing. I don't want to be overweight, I want to be fit and thin and in shape. Each day that passes is just another day waiting which will be extra hard work to burn off the calories.
For the past week I have been sick, so sick that for the past three days I have had a hard time getting out of bed. That is not like me, at all. It doesn't help that I have this throbbing headache that won't go away and there is someone downstairs in the house I live in with a freaking trombone blasting away. Until he finished I sat in my room with my ears plugged because it hurt so much.
Everything I use or need in any kind of daily or routine basis is piled up in a bedroom, a small, small bedroom. I am grateful to be indoors, to have a bed to sleep in a bathroom to use. However, as I progressively get more and more on my feet I want my own space. Unfortunately, even with a recent raise, I don't have the financial ability to afford to live in Nashville, TN. This town is absolutely outrageous with its rent. I don't know where I will be in a year from now, but I won't reside within Davidson County anymore. I wish I could find something out towards this area west of town, Ashland City, but even rent out there is high and houses that come up for rent go really quickly because it is such a beautiful area to live and very close to town.
I have not been able to work on my writing this past week, and I have wondered how dedicated writers push through sickness and keep on typing. I couldn't lift my head off the pillow for more than a few minutes on different occasions. Not writing makes me feel frustrated, because I am not where I want to be and I am not getting any closer if I am not writing or trying to pursue it.
Today is Labor Day, and while I would rather be with someone special grilling out, relaxing with him, I haven't heard from him in weeks and I am too sick to do anything except take a three hour nap. It is officially September and fall is upon us and where am I in the pursuit of my goals? Not far enough *sigh* what I want absolutely has to be possible. A fit body, a writing career, a house of my own, traveling and feeling fulfilled and happy. Maybe not every single day, but some how... it has to be possible.
For the past week I have been sick, so sick that for the past three days I have had a hard time getting out of bed. That is not like me, at all. It doesn't help that I have this throbbing headache that won't go away and there is someone downstairs in the house I live in with a freaking trombone blasting away. Until he finished I sat in my room with my ears plugged because it hurt so much.
Everything I use or need in any kind of daily or routine basis is piled up in a bedroom, a small, small bedroom. I am grateful to be indoors, to have a bed to sleep in a bathroom to use. However, as I progressively get more and more on my feet I want my own space. Unfortunately, even with a recent raise, I don't have the financial ability to afford to live in Nashville, TN. This town is absolutely outrageous with its rent. I don't know where I will be in a year from now, but I won't reside within Davidson County anymore. I wish I could find something out towards this area west of town, Ashland City, but even rent out there is high and houses that come up for rent go really quickly because it is such a beautiful area to live and very close to town.
I have not been able to work on my writing this past week, and I have wondered how dedicated writers push through sickness and keep on typing. I couldn't lift my head off the pillow for more than a few minutes on different occasions. Not writing makes me feel frustrated, because I am not where I want to be and I am not getting any closer if I am not writing or trying to pursue it.
Today is Labor Day, and while I would rather be with someone special grilling out, relaxing with him, I haven't heard from him in weeks and I am too sick to do anything except take a three hour nap. It is officially September and fall is upon us and where am I in the pursuit of my goals? Not far enough *sigh* what I want absolutely has to be possible. A fit body, a writing career, a house of my own, traveling and feeling fulfilled and happy. Maybe not every single day, but some how... it has to be possible.
Wednesday, August 24, 2016
FITNESS: Every day is not easy
Today was one of those days in which I faced the treadmill with a heaviness. I was not in the same groove as I was yesterday. There will be days like this as we work towards our fitness goals, and so today I gave myself permission to do 200 calories in 30 minutes, instead of 250.
Some how in the duration of those 30 minutes I was able to find the ability to push a little bit extra here and there between the longer durations of down time. When I say down time I mean those moments on the treadmill when it drops the incline to a 2 and allows you to catch your breath a little bit before increasing again.
Imagine my surprise with only three minutes left on the treadmill and I only had 20 more calories to go before I hit 250! It didn't take much for me to push myself into the last three minutes to do everything I could to burn them off - and I did!
When we have those off days, be forgiving and nice to yourself. Expect those days will happen and on those good days, push yourself a little harder so when those sluggish days arrive, you can be forgiving. It allows balance in your work out so you can still make those goals by being realistic. Once I got to the stretching area and worked through my abs I gave myself the permission to quit early today. Due to freaking insane traffic here in Nashville, which turned my 30 minute commute into something more along the lines of an hour and twenty minutes, I got an incredibly late start today. Along with the late start, I was struggling to really get myself to go through the motions. With a promise of going to Zumba tomorrow morning, weights and abs at the gym, I stretched, cleaned up my mat and headed out the door.
Sometimes it just feels super good to just be done with the workout for the day.
Some how in the duration of those 30 minutes I was able to find the ability to push a little bit extra here and there between the longer durations of down time. When I say down time I mean those moments on the treadmill when it drops the incline to a 2 and allows you to catch your breath a little bit before increasing again.
Imagine my surprise with only three minutes left on the treadmill and I only had 20 more calories to go before I hit 250! It didn't take much for me to push myself into the last three minutes to do everything I could to burn them off - and I did!
When we have those off days, be forgiving and nice to yourself. Expect those days will happen and on those good days, push yourself a little harder so when those sluggish days arrive, you can be forgiving. It allows balance in your work out so you can still make those goals by being realistic. Once I got to the stretching area and worked through my abs I gave myself the permission to quit early today. Due to freaking insane traffic here in Nashville, which turned my 30 minute commute into something more along the lines of an hour and twenty minutes, I got an incredibly late start today. Along with the late start, I was struggling to really get myself to go through the motions. With a promise of going to Zumba tomorrow morning, weights and abs at the gym, I stretched, cleaned up my mat and headed out the door.
Sometimes it just feels super good to just be done with the workout for the day.
Tuesday, August 23, 2016
FITNESS: Why It Is So Hard
I believe one reason it is very difficult for people who work to find time to work out... is because we work! Forty hours a week is a lot of time to spend at the office, which does not include the drive time to get there and back. Then you add in getting groceries, making meals, cleaning up, helping the kids with homework, activities, by the time the day is done and you have laid down in bed, you are not even sure whether or not you showered today.
Thanks to my work schedule last week, I only got two workouts in - one was on Sunday while I was at the gym. The other was the Pound class I attended.
This week, thank goodness, I was able to get to the gym yesterday morning and today. I also attended Pound, which was still fun, but felt harder than it did last week. Regardless, I feel I have to work extra hard this week to burn calories and make an effort in order to make up for last week.
This is not easy, and then to find a way to make good and healthy food choices, it is exhausting. Which probably explains why I made the decision to have strawberry shortcake for dessert yesterday. Today I decided to have nothing and truly felt it when I was on the treadmill. The good news is, however, I have been pushing myself hard on the treadmill so I burn at least 250 calories in 30 minutes. Since I discovered I can burn 300 calories while on the treadmill for 45 minutes, it is time to step it up and push for bigger numbers. 300 calories in 45 minutes means 100 calories for every 15 minutes.
The treadmill routine starts off relatively slow, but not a crawl for a brisk warm up. This consist of walking straight, and then walking sideways each side to warm up my muscles. After about five minutes of this and slowly adding speed as I go along, I kick it up to a speed of 3.6 from 3.3 and after another five minutes I push it to 3.8 and start to really increase my incline. If I push hard enough early enough, I can burn 250 calories. If I do not, I find I have to work extra hard at the end of the work out to try and get there. Hopefully if I can continue this, when I get to the gym earlier instead of later I will have the time to do 45 minutes and burn 350 calories.
It is a start, so far three workouts are in for this week. I'm praying things continue to go well, so I can get three more workouts in at the gym, and make it to my 6am Zumba class on Thursday! (the teacher is almost to term in her pregnancy, and I want to get as many classes in with her as possible before the baby)
Thanks to my work schedule last week, I only got two workouts in - one was on Sunday while I was at the gym. The other was the Pound class I attended.
This week, thank goodness, I was able to get to the gym yesterday morning and today. I also attended Pound, which was still fun, but felt harder than it did last week. Regardless, I feel I have to work extra hard this week to burn calories and make an effort in order to make up for last week.
This is not easy, and then to find a way to make good and healthy food choices, it is exhausting. Which probably explains why I made the decision to have strawberry shortcake for dessert yesterday. Today I decided to have nothing and truly felt it when I was on the treadmill. The good news is, however, I have been pushing myself hard on the treadmill so I burn at least 250 calories in 30 minutes. Since I discovered I can burn 300 calories while on the treadmill for 45 minutes, it is time to step it up and push for bigger numbers. 300 calories in 45 minutes means 100 calories for every 15 minutes.
The treadmill routine starts off relatively slow, but not a crawl for a brisk warm up. This consist of walking straight, and then walking sideways each side to warm up my muscles. After about five minutes of this and slowly adding speed as I go along, I kick it up to a speed of 3.6 from 3.3 and after another five minutes I push it to 3.8 and start to really increase my incline. If I push hard enough early enough, I can burn 250 calories. If I do not, I find I have to work extra hard at the end of the work out to try and get there. Hopefully if I can continue this, when I get to the gym earlier instead of later I will have the time to do 45 minutes and burn 350 calories.
It is a start, so far three workouts are in for this week. I'm praying things continue to go well, so I can get three more workouts in at the gym, and make it to my 6am Zumba class on Thursday! (the teacher is almost to term in her pregnancy, and I want to get as many classes in with her as possible before the baby)
Knowledge and Life Experience
Knowledge, it has become interesting to me how I have gained information in various fields. I have studied dance and have a background in understanding the inner workings of the right way and incorrect way to perform various ballet and dance moves. During my time as a dancer I learned about fitness, good eating, health and that all lead me to trying yoga. While I may not be an 'expert' of sorts of the subject, I have solid knowledge in the field due to my experience in it.
Horses, I lived, dreamt and loved horses from when I was three into my early thirties. I have rode on trails, prepared and been in horse shows, I have ridden in rodeo, roped horses and cattle. I have shown Dressage, Western Pleasure, Halter, Reining, and many more styles of riding that are really too much to list. I have trained a young horse, rode it in a preview, then an auction for my four year college which was all a part of a class assignment. I went on as a freelance trainer for many years. I have trimmed hooves after I took a farrier class. I can't say I have done it all, but I was more than neck deep in the horse industry.
Growing up on a farm I gained knowledge in driving large equipment, working fields, horticulture, agriculture, working with animals and understanding animal behavior from dogs, cats, cows, horses, deer and other various wildlife. A subject I really sunk my teeth into was Animal Behavior in college. I was intrigued and saddened by studying animal behavior and did not always enjoy going to one particular zoo in Minnesota for my research of papers and discussions.
Addiction, I have dear friends who are and were addicts. Friends who are in recovery. A little over two years ago I was tossed into the addiction world where I gained more information and knowledge I ever imagined. Often I have co-workers who turn to me to pick my brain about drug screens, patients, patient behavior, etc. I do my best to answer the questions within my ability and quickly turn it over to a medical professional so I can help the patient get the best care as quickly as possible.
They say "the more you know"...I'm not always certain about that at times. There is information about the horse industry which is sick and heartbreaking. There are times I wish I did not know what I know about that industry. What I have seen, and heard, is beyond what I share with others because they truly don't want to know.
Animal behavior, I often feel I can understand an animal better than I can a human being. Yet, people are so cruel to their animals. It is hard to watch their behavior and understand why they react a certain way. It is challenging to watch wildlife venture into new areas because they are being pushed out of their natural habitat, because apparently our current population has a craving for tall buildings and concrete. Yet, will also complain when a deer crosses a highway and they hit it.
Hearing how much frustration there is against farmers. These people who fight for their voice to be heard has probably never milked a cow, never pushed a hog, never stayed up way into the night to help a cow have a calf. They never rolled out at a ridiculous hour to help get the work done because the hay you cut yesterday needs to be baled today before that rain moves in - once it gets wet, you cannot bale it safely - wet hay bales increase the chances of spontaneous combustion. (which yes, is a real thing, if you don't believe me, ask my neighbor who lost his barn due to it).
Then there is addiction. So much education is lacking in that area. People are afraid to try buprenorphine because they feel they will be stuck on it forever, or they are trading one drug for another drug. They abuse it because they have not learned how to manage their triggers or struggles in life. Parents are sick of their adult kids struggling with addiction and cannot understand why they cannot get it together. Friends are lost because they are no longer the right friend for you, or if they are a clean friend, they are tired of the repeat behavior. The plea of "this time it will be different" has gone out the window a long time ago. That adds to the longevity of the new life struggle without the drugs and various medications. Not only are they fighting to get on their feet, now they have the added fight of proving themselves to someone who has no faith in them.
Sometimes I don't think about the things I know. Often I am not thrilled with how I gained the information. I wanted to train horses for film, have a ranch with beef cattle, expand my parents farm and live a peaceful life. After how many endless years of training horses I became burnt out, realized I did not want to relocate to California to try and make my name known, and eventually hung up the saddle and retired from the horse business.
As I love dance, there was a time I wanted to work my butt off, move to New York and become a Rockette. Due to a dance injury right before my first big audition for a dance team for a local minor league basketball team I had to hang it up. I do it for fun, I dance for me. I work out because I need to, not always because I enjoy it. Although, I do try to enjoy it and make it part of my daily routine.
Farming and all that goes with it is second nature to me. When you wake up to it every single day, you live it and breathe it, that lifestyle is a part of you.
Hopefully, as life keeps moving forward I will find a way to utilize this experience and knowledge in my writing. Maybe it will help to educate someone else, or maybe it will simply serve of interest to an unknown reader. No matter what, my experience and knowledge is here to be shared with others, and I hope to do that in future articles and books which are waiting to be written.
Horses, I lived, dreamt and loved horses from when I was three into my early thirties. I have rode on trails, prepared and been in horse shows, I have ridden in rodeo, roped horses and cattle. I have shown Dressage, Western Pleasure, Halter, Reining, and many more styles of riding that are really too much to list. I have trained a young horse, rode it in a preview, then an auction for my four year college which was all a part of a class assignment. I went on as a freelance trainer for many years. I have trimmed hooves after I took a farrier class. I can't say I have done it all, but I was more than neck deep in the horse industry.
Growing up on a farm I gained knowledge in driving large equipment, working fields, horticulture, agriculture, working with animals and understanding animal behavior from dogs, cats, cows, horses, deer and other various wildlife. A subject I really sunk my teeth into was Animal Behavior in college. I was intrigued and saddened by studying animal behavior and did not always enjoy going to one particular zoo in Minnesota for my research of papers and discussions.
Addiction, I have dear friends who are and were addicts. Friends who are in recovery. A little over two years ago I was tossed into the addiction world where I gained more information and knowledge I ever imagined. Often I have co-workers who turn to me to pick my brain about drug screens, patients, patient behavior, etc. I do my best to answer the questions within my ability and quickly turn it over to a medical professional so I can help the patient get the best care as quickly as possible.
They say "the more you know"...I'm not always certain about that at times. There is information about the horse industry which is sick and heartbreaking. There are times I wish I did not know what I know about that industry. What I have seen, and heard, is beyond what I share with others because they truly don't want to know.
Animal behavior, I often feel I can understand an animal better than I can a human being. Yet, people are so cruel to their animals. It is hard to watch their behavior and understand why they react a certain way. It is challenging to watch wildlife venture into new areas because they are being pushed out of their natural habitat, because apparently our current population has a craving for tall buildings and concrete. Yet, will also complain when a deer crosses a highway and they hit it.
Hearing how much frustration there is against farmers. These people who fight for their voice to be heard has probably never milked a cow, never pushed a hog, never stayed up way into the night to help a cow have a calf. They never rolled out at a ridiculous hour to help get the work done because the hay you cut yesterday needs to be baled today before that rain moves in - once it gets wet, you cannot bale it safely - wet hay bales increase the chances of spontaneous combustion. (which yes, is a real thing, if you don't believe me, ask my neighbor who lost his barn due to it).
Then there is addiction. So much education is lacking in that area. People are afraid to try buprenorphine because they feel they will be stuck on it forever, or they are trading one drug for another drug. They abuse it because they have not learned how to manage their triggers or struggles in life. Parents are sick of their adult kids struggling with addiction and cannot understand why they cannot get it together. Friends are lost because they are no longer the right friend for you, or if they are a clean friend, they are tired of the repeat behavior. The plea of "this time it will be different" has gone out the window a long time ago. That adds to the longevity of the new life struggle without the drugs and various medications. Not only are they fighting to get on their feet, now they have the added fight of proving themselves to someone who has no faith in them.
Sometimes I don't think about the things I know. Often I am not thrilled with how I gained the information. I wanted to train horses for film, have a ranch with beef cattle, expand my parents farm and live a peaceful life. After how many endless years of training horses I became burnt out, realized I did not want to relocate to California to try and make my name known, and eventually hung up the saddle and retired from the horse business.
As I love dance, there was a time I wanted to work my butt off, move to New York and become a Rockette. Due to a dance injury right before my first big audition for a dance team for a local minor league basketball team I had to hang it up. I do it for fun, I dance for me. I work out because I need to, not always because I enjoy it. Although, I do try to enjoy it and make it part of my daily routine.
Farming and all that goes with it is second nature to me. When you wake up to it every single day, you live it and breathe it, that lifestyle is a part of you.
Hopefully, as life keeps moving forward I will find a way to utilize this experience and knowledge in my writing. Maybe it will help to educate someone else, or maybe it will simply serve of interest to an unknown reader. No matter what, my experience and knowledge is here to be shared with others, and I hope to do that in future articles and books which are waiting to be written.
Thursday, August 18, 2016
A Lonely Life
I live a lonely life. I always have.
Growing up my closest neighborhood friend was about three miles away. In school I was never a popular kid. In college I struggled to figure out who I was and would often isolate myself from friends so I wouldn’t bring them down.
When I was involved with horses, I would see girls showing their horses, going out trail riding, rodeoing and they were always found in a couple. I kept hoping for that day when I would have a boyfriend who would be in my life so I could have someone to be with me at shows, the stable, etc.
One day that did happen, unfortunately it was during a time when I was training young horses. The boyfriend sat quietly on a bucket in the arena while I rode and trained. It was unfortunate, because young horses spook easily and he would as people do, make a noise, and it would spook this poor horse. It didn’t end up being the best of experiences and it discouraged him from coming out much after that, which I couldn’t blame him.
One day that did happen, unfortunately it was during a time when I was training young horses. The boyfriend sat quietly on a bucket in the arena while I rode and trained. It was unfortunate, because young horses spook easily and he would as people do, make a noise, and it would spook this poor horse. It didn’t end up being the best of experiences and it discouraged him from coming out much after that, which I couldn’t blame him.
When I lived in Memphis, I worked at a nice stable and I would watch all the teenage girls, the other trainer, do their thing with a guy in tow. It hurt my heart but I pretended I didn’t notice and that it didn’t bother me. There was nothing I could do about it anyway.
Here I am, looking at life, alone. I wake up alone, I go to bed alone. I go out to eat alone. I go to movies alone. For the longest time it didn’t bother me. But, I have gotten to a point where I am just beyond sick of it. The last movie I saw was the Intern. It was a great movie, and I think I was able to go during a time I was the only one in the theatre. Since then, when I go to look at what is playing in the movie theatre, I stop myself because I don’t want to keep going alone.
While it is true, I don’t want to be with the wrong guy just to be with someone. It doesn’t suck any less being alone.
It hurts.
I’m not necessarily lonely, but I am tired of living a life by myself. When I look back over the years I have only had two long term boyfriends, one of five years, one of four and a half years, with a long break in between.
I’m not sure why, in this life we live, some people live so much of their life alone. I cannot speak for the other people, but I don’t enjoy it. I don’t like it, and what really sucks about the entire situation, there is nothing I can do about it.
Being around friends is not the same. It just is not the same, and if someone cannot understand that, then they cannot understand how I feel. There are times I have been surrounded by a very large group of people and felt more alone than I ever had while sitting by myself in a room.
Maybe there is some reason for it all. Growing up away from everything, trying to make the best of life while wondering what else is out there. Going to college and wanting to belong, yet not really knowing who I was at the time. Performing in dance recitals and performances and being asked by the other girls performing that night, “who is here to see you?” and my answer was “no one”. There was often no one in the audience to see me dance, except for one performance.
I don’t like celebrating my birthday because it is a reminder I am getting older alone. No one to share that day with, so why bother?
When I throw parties or gatherings, I don’t know why, but rarely do people show up. I use to enjoy the whole event planning, and people telling me they would be there, and nothing. I’ve had a few good parties and poker game nights. It gets depressing, and I don’t know if people are not interested in attending or just too busy. So, I stopped.
Now, living in Nashville, I often wonder why I stay. I don’t see my friends. Some of that is because I am exhausted, and recently trying to pay for a truck repair so I haven’t had extra money to be able to afford to go out. But, considering I received a gift card for a nice restaurant I asked several friends to join me for dinner. It was more than enough to pay for two meals. After asking for over a year, I finally said screw it and went BY MYSELF. What is the point of staying somewhere when even though, yes, you have friends, you never see them?
Yet, moving somewhere that is familiar and you only know about two people who still live there and they are incredibly busy people...what is the point, because that is basically starting over.
I don’t know the answer. I keep hoping it will come to me. However, considering, the job market in that area is crap… the idea of relocating to only get a job that does not pay well, isn’t worth it.
Walking up the steps into the house this afternoon after work I thought to myself, ‘where will I be in a year?’ I know I won’t be in this house, it was made very clear in April I had one year left before I had to move out. My belongings have been in storage for three years now, and it is beyond time where I find a way to get them out so they can be used again.
Where is life leading? Will I ever have someone to share it with? That person who really will stay in my life and not just break my heart and leave.
It hurts to not know the answer.
Wednesday, August 17, 2016
What Does It Mean...?
I have officially finished watching all nine seasons of, How I Met Your Mother. It ended so well, the writers truly did it justice. It all worked out how it was suppose to work out, he met this incredible woman who gave him two beautiful kids. She was sweet, funny, smart, musical, wore driving gloves, and was everything he ever wanted. He finally had the love he wanted so much.
At times I found myself thinking how I was very much like that Ted Mosby character. To have that one person you marry, wake up next to, look forward to spending time with, and lying next to on lazy Sunday's and at the end of each day.
In one scene, I found it interesting as Marshall was doubting his ability to become a lawyer. He was in the process of accepting he would just settle for a lesser job. Barney was present during this emotional debate and Barney told him, no, because he would be a lawyer. It was this moment which I faced in my twenties and thirties, accepting to settle for something less than what we are able to achieve because we are afraid.
Then, the story of how he met their mother was told, and it was over...and I sobbed. I mean full on no holding back sobbing. What in the world does that even mean? Was it because of how sweet the entire thing ended? Is it because my life is not where I want it to be? Is it because I put on a happy face, and strong front when deep inside I want to go home to a husband, MY husband, and yes, a home, a house with a yard and fenced in back yard where the chickens can roam, and the dogs can play.
I don't know, and I can't explain it. Maybe there is some underlying stress, or something I'm missing? I know I miss Phillip and I have not heard from him in five weeks. I miss my parents, and my horse, and I am taking the big steps into pursuing writing at a level I have only thought about and not done before. Is it because I have invested substantial time into looking to buy a house verses renting? Finally I got to a point where I just tried to calm myself down. Splashed water on my face, made something for dinner, fed the dog, picked out a book to read, watched an episode of Bones and now here I am, crying at just the thought of all of these things as I write.
Maybe it doesn't mean anything. Maybe it does?
Part of me has this gigantic hope that something big is going to happen in my life, in my career. Part of me feels intimidated as I look around in my tiny bedroom and things have no place because I don't have a place for them. The day that I have to move and be out of this house feel like it is coming quicker than I want it to, and I am going to have to pack up all these things and move out. Which I just do not feel ready for at all. I don't always love where I live, but it is a comfort, it is secure and I don't want to go.
Unfortunately, the one constant thing in life, is change.
While change has brought good things over the years, I am so exhausted by it. I feel the past three years has been the most intense, interruptive and often times disturbing level of change. I don't fear change, I'm just tired from it. I don't want to hurt anymore. I don't want to be afraid anymore. My life was turned upside down and I don't want to ever go through that again. Hopefully, all that struggle, that hurt, that pain is behind me now and forever. Yes, we struggle, we have hurt, but the magnitude that I went through is not something I want to ever endure ever again.
May life continue to bring brighter and better things as life goes forward. Whatever caused my emotional dismay this evening, may it come forward so I can deal with it, or go away so I can be free from it.
At times I found myself thinking how I was very much like that Ted Mosby character. To have that one person you marry, wake up next to, look forward to spending time with, and lying next to on lazy Sunday's and at the end of each day.
In one scene, I found it interesting as Marshall was doubting his ability to become a lawyer. He was in the process of accepting he would just settle for a lesser job. Barney was present during this emotional debate and Barney told him, no, because he would be a lawyer. It was this moment which I faced in my twenties and thirties, accepting to settle for something less than what we are able to achieve because we are afraid.
Then, the story of how he met their mother was told, and it was over...and I sobbed. I mean full on no holding back sobbing. What in the world does that even mean? Was it because of how sweet the entire thing ended? Is it because my life is not where I want it to be? Is it because I put on a happy face, and strong front when deep inside I want to go home to a husband, MY husband, and yes, a home, a house with a yard and fenced in back yard where the chickens can roam, and the dogs can play.
I don't know, and I can't explain it. Maybe there is some underlying stress, or something I'm missing? I know I miss Phillip and I have not heard from him in five weeks. I miss my parents, and my horse, and I am taking the big steps into pursuing writing at a level I have only thought about and not done before. Is it because I have invested substantial time into looking to buy a house verses renting? Finally I got to a point where I just tried to calm myself down. Splashed water on my face, made something for dinner, fed the dog, picked out a book to read, watched an episode of Bones and now here I am, crying at just the thought of all of these things as I write.
Maybe it doesn't mean anything. Maybe it does?
Part of me has this gigantic hope that something big is going to happen in my life, in my career. Part of me feels intimidated as I look around in my tiny bedroom and things have no place because I don't have a place for them. The day that I have to move and be out of this house feel like it is coming quicker than I want it to, and I am going to have to pack up all these things and move out. Which I just do not feel ready for at all. I don't always love where I live, but it is a comfort, it is secure and I don't want to go.
Unfortunately, the one constant thing in life, is change.
While change has brought good things over the years, I am so exhausted by it. I feel the past three years has been the most intense, interruptive and often times disturbing level of change. I don't fear change, I'm just tired from it. I don't want to hurt anymore. I don't want to be afraid anymore. My life was turned upside down and I don't want to ever go through that again. Hopefully, all that struggle, that hurt, that pain is behind me now and forever. Yes, we struggle, we have hurt, but the magnitude that I went through is not something I want to ever endure ever again.
May life continue to bring brighter and better things as life goes forward. Whatever caused my emotional dismay this evening, may it come forward so I can deal with it, or go away so I can be free from it.
Monday, August 15, 2016
FITNESS: POUND
“I was just trying to survive, but I can’t wait to go back” is what I was told by a Pound participant. Newly added to the schedule at the East Nashville Community center on Monday nights is Pound. A low impact, high energy class where you pound the hour away using plastic drum sticks, which the instructor called; “Ripstix”. Ripstix are weighted drumsticks to help you sweat your workout away.
While slightly intimidated, I wanted to find out what the excitement was about, so I eagerly drove to East Nashville, paid my $3.00 for the class and entered the empty dance studio. Uncertain what to expect the instructor asked me to get a yoga mat and make myself comfortable. Before the class began the studio had gotten packed. Our instructor stood before us and went over some ground rules; “This is a judgement free zone.” “You do not have to be perfect, just have fun.” “Modify your movement, if you cannot go low, then come here or here” taking a stance showing us reaching for the floor being the most difficult, hip level was medium and standing was the easiest position. The most important instruction she shared with us was as she went over in great detail our posture we needed to maintain during class. This would help us from over extending or hurting our backs.
Then the music began and we were encouraged to get loud with our Ripstix and the most stress relieving part “POUND”!! She eagerly cheered to us.
While slightly intimidated, I wanted to find out what the excitement was about, so I eagerly drove to East Nashville, paid my $3.00 for the class and entered the empty dance studio. Uncertain what to expect the instructor asked me to get a yoga mat and make myself comfortable. Before the class began the studio had gotten packed. Our instructor stood before us and went over some ground rules; “This is a judgement free zone.” “You do not have to be perfect, just have fun.” “Modify your movement, if you cannot go low, then come here or here” taking a stance showing us reaching for the floor being the most difficult, hip level was medium and standing was the easiest position. The most important instruction she shared with us was as she went over in great detail our posture we needed to maintain during class. This would help us from over extending or hurting our backs.
Then the music began and we were encouraged to get loud with our Ripstix and the most stress relieving part “POUND”!! She eagerly cheered to us.
The level of intensity of sweat was not expected, the elevated heart rate was riveting, Allie, our instructor, was great at giving us correction when we needed it, but mostly she was beautifully uplifting and encouraging. I don’t recall a workout where I found myself smiling through most of it. Before we knew it she was calling out to let us know we had two songs left. It felt as though there was no way this could be true. Then she was leading us through our final song and cool down. The class was over before it even started, yet we were standing there enthusiastically exhausted, drenched with sweat and I couldn’t wait for next Monday so I could go back.
If you are looking for a workout that will challenge you, allow you to chose your level of intensity, burn off calories and have a ton of fun in the process, then Pound is for you. If you live in the Nashville area, the East Community Center can be found at 600 Woodland Ave and it is much easier to get to than I was expecting. However, if their class schedule does not suit your schedule, find a Pound class which will and sign up.
You will wake up the next day feeling rejuvenated as your muscles will have some what I like to call “action”. You won’t necessarily be sore, but you will definitely know something awesome had happened.
Sunday, August 14, 2016
FITNESS GOALS
Approximately, four months ago, I took a promotion at work. It was exciting for me as I was desperate to keep my job and then I was offered an opportunity to move upward in the company.
Little did I know, that new position would cause me to lose the ability to work out, and unfortunately gain 25 lbs over the past four months.
I am disgusted with myself. I am incredibly frustrated. When I was so very close to my goal weight, I feel I have to work extra hard and almost as though I am starting over. My goal is to do all I can to lose that 25lbs by the end of this year. That gives me four months to lose an average of 6.25 lbs a month, which is the average I gained it over the last four months.
What is the plan, as there needs to be a plan in place.
First, I need to put the whole, "Body by Julie" back into action. Julie is a personal trainer at Planet Fitness who I use to meet up with once or twice a week when I was really pushing hard towards my fitness goals. While she has transferred to another location, that does not mean the information she gave me is no longer valid. It just has to be re-activated.
Second, as much as I love fried foods, I have to back off. I don't know why I love Chinese food so much when I feel so awful after I eat it. More salads, better snacks and keep on with the water.
Third, add in extras, extra workouts whether it is Zumba, weekend hikes (now that the weather here in Tennessee is no longer a consistent 98 degrees, that should help) and find other fun workout classes to attend to boost metabolism and burn calories.
There is a plan, now to put it into action. While at the gym today, a gal behind the front desk and I got talking and I found out about a Pound class at an East Nashville Community Center. She told me she would be there the next night, gave me the information and I made plans to join her.
This will be my story behind my fitness goals. I am single, live with a roommate (I rent a room in her house and she allows me to have full access to the house), I work full time-sometimes crazy hours- I don't like working out on the weekends, I prefer to do it during the week first thing in the morning.
Yet, I need to do what I have to do to make this tough goal over the next four months.
I won't share my weight, I will just state right now I have 25 lbs to lose, and then I will tackle the next weight loss goal once this has been reached.
Today was a good start to where I want to be. This is true to life, someone who works and is going to try and maintain fitness in the balance of life. Now, here is the big challenge. My work schedule can give me wanky hours and locations. For example, I work all week in Hermitage, where I live. However, I have to be at the clinic by 7am. If I have not mentioned it yet, I have chickens, who enjoy eating like the rest of us. Therefore, I need to be up extra early so I can get across town to take care of them, get back into Nashville traffic and get back to Hermitage before 7am, then work until they are done for the day-which hopefully will be 4pm. Considering my gym is on the west side of town-25 minutes away without traffic-heading that way at 4pm with the insanity called Nashville rush hour, won't be happening. Which ultimately means, my workout for the week is screwed. Since I have to be at the clinic by 7am, it also means I won't be able to make my 6am Zumba class on Thursday.
This is the challenge - finding the time and the energy to fit it in - I will not allow this job to make me obese and affect my health.
I will figure this out, I do not know how, but for me and all those other women who struggle with weight and the ability to find time to work out, I'm going to find a way to make it happen.
Little did I know, that new position would cause me to lose the ability to work out, and unfortunately gain 25 lbs over the past four months.
I am disgusted with myself. I am incredibly frustrated. When I was so very close to my goal weight, I feel I have to work extra hard and almost as though I am starting over. My goal is to do all I can to lose that 25lbs by the end of this year. That gives me four months to lose an average of 6.25 lbs a month, which is the average I gained it over the last four months.
What is the plan, as there needs to be a plan in place.
First, I need to put the whole, "Body by Julie" back into action. Julie is a personal trainer at Planet Fitness who I use to meet up with once or twice a week when I was really pushing hard towards my fitness goals. While she has transferred to another location, that does not mean the information she gave me is no longer valid. It just has to be re-activated.
Second, as much as I love fried foods, I have to back off. I don't know why I love Chinese food so much when I feel so awful after I eat it. More salads, better snacks and keep on with the water.
Third, add in extras, extra workouts whether it is Zumba, weekend hikes (now that the weather here in Tennessee is no longer a consistent 98 degrees, that should help) and find other fun workout classes to attend to boost metabolism and burn calories.
There is a plan, now to put it into action. While at the gym today, a gal behind the front desk and I got talking and I found out about a Pound class at an East Nashville Community Center. She told me she would be there the next night, gave me the information and I made plans to join her.
This will be my story behind my fitness goals. I am single, live with a roommate (I rent a room in her house and she allows me to have full access to the house), I work full time-sometimes crazy hours- I don't like working out on the weekends, I prefer to do it during the week first thing in the morning.
Yet, I need to do what I have to do to make this tough goal over the next four months.
I won't share my weight, I will just state right now I have 25 lbs to lose, and then I will tackle the next weight loss goal once this has been reached.
Today was a good start to where I want to be. This is true to life, someone who works and is going to try and maintain fitness in the balance of life. Now, here is the big challenge. My work schedule can give me wanky hours and locations. For example, I work all week in Hermitage, where I live. However, I have to be at the clinic by 7am. If I have not mentioned it yet, I have chickens, who enjoy eating like the rest of us. Therefore, I need to be up extra early so I can get across town to take care of them, get back into Nashville traffic and get back to Hermitage before 7am, then work until they are done for the day-which hopefully will be 4pm. Considering my gym is on the west side of town-25 minutes away without traffic-heading that way at 4pm with the insanity called Nashville rush hour, won't be happening. Which ultimately means, my workout for the week is screwed. Since I have to be at the clinic by 7am, it also means I won't be able to make my 6am Zumba class on Thursday.
This is the challenge - finding the time and the energy to fit it in - I will not allow this job to make me obese and affect my health.
I will figure this out, I do not know how, but for me and all those other women who struggle with weight and the ability to find time to work out, I'm going to find a way to make it happen.
Friday, August 12, 2016
FITNESS: A Journey
A few months ago I stepped on the scale. I don’t put a lot of thought into the numbers that come up on the scale. A long time ago I discovered it was much more healthy for me to go by how my clothes fit than trying to make my mind be at peace with the number on the scale.
To my surprise, I had gained 20 lbs. Considering I had been working out five days a week on a pretty regular basis, did what I could to eat relatively well considering my crazy work schedule, I knew there had to be an error. I thought maybe the scale was not calibrated, after all, the gym had just moved it from one area in the locker room to another. I gimped out to the treadmill and tried not to let my new discovery sway me.
To my surprise, I had gained 20 lbs. Considering I had been working out five days a week on a pretty regular basis, did what I could to eat relatively well considering my crazy work schedule, I knew there had to be an error. I thought maybe the scale was not calibrated, after all, the gym had just moved it from one area in the locker room to another. I gimped out to the treadmill and tried not to let my new discovery sway me.
A few days later I ran into the trainer at the gym. I asked her about it, she said no one else had made any comments, but she would go weigh herself to see if there was something wrong with it. When she returned she told me she weighed herself as did a gal she ran into in the locker room. Then she asked me a series of questions, and the conclusion, because of my new work schedule I could not get to the gym on my usual regular basis and I had ballooned up. She told me going full force like I was and then abruptly stopping can cause my metabolism to get off and I gained weight.
RIght around that time I had been working with a man who once was a solid runner in his high school and college days. He had put me on a workout routine to help build up my strength and endurance for running 5k’s. One piece of advice he gave me, “don’t just up and stop from what I’m telling you to do, or you will gain weight and bloat up”
That was it. The answer came to me, I had gone from hiking for two or three hours with a friend at least twice a month on Saturdays’, Zumba every Thursday and at least one Saturday a month and a five day a week work out to next to nothing. My job had gone under some changes and I was no longer working in a clinic close to me, I was driving over an hour to get to work before 8am, which took away my time in the morning to work out. This got me to start working out on the weekends, which I hated, the atmosphere was not the same, I enjoyed seeing the same people in the morning and watching the morning news shows on the televisions. But, it was the time I had to offer so I was trying to make it work.
Then I was hit again, security in my particular job depends on whether or not you are assigned to a doctors office. The doctor I had been working for decided to screw me over (yes, she is vindictive and would do such a thing-which you will find more information at a later time) and change labs. This caused me to be out of work. Thankfully, another lab needed someone and I was reassigned. Unfortunately, this office was quite a drive away and substantially different from where I once had been. But, I needed to work so I made the best of it. Over the course of the next three months I would discover I was not a permanent placement for this office, I was filling in until I could train the girl who would be taking over this location. Which meant, I would once again be at risk of being out of a job. This duration was extremely stressful and I was desperately looking for a job or another opportunity with the company. Then a team lead position came up and I eagerly applied for it.
On April 17, 2016 I was given that position and I was thrilled, it meant job security, a raise, a small car allowance, and a regular paycheck, finally! Unfortunately, it also meant driving close to 2,500-2,800 miles a month. Which meant my schedule could start as early as 5am and go until 8pm. Monday through Saturday. After two months of this routine I was noticing my clothes were getting tighter, I had no regular schedule to eat like a normal person. Often I would try and grab a snack in the morning and run all day and overeat at night because I was absolutely starving. Sometimes offices would have lunch catered and sometimes they would include me, and other times they would eat around me. As I was not their regular staff I could not go in and allow myself to eat their food, so I would wait to see if I would be invited. Often I was not able to go out and grab lunch because they would see patients during their lunch hours. Eventually, I got sick of the snacks I had in my truck and began to loathe work, life, and become very overwhelmed from what felt like a non-stop schedule, staff who did not realize what I did and that I was covering such a large area and so many staff members. I was unhealthy, I was unhappy, I was not sleeping well.
Thankfully, some things at work changed, I was told my boss would crack down on the managers so I would not get so much overtime, which was not allowed. This came after a conversation of her asking my why I was getting so much overtime, and I was more than happy to fill her in on the weeks that I was told I had to work off the clock because I could not get overtime. At this point I easily have close to 40 hours that I have worked off the clock, because I was not allowed this overtime.
Once that occurred, I began to try and go to bed earlier. Unfortunately, I was still stressed out to a point where trying to go to sleep was a challenge. I was still waking up in the middle of the night panicked I was going to be late for work.
Then as my schedule allowed, I began getting back to the gym. While I never saw myself as one of those people who would get up extra early to beat traffic, get to the gym and then go to work, it works very well for me. It helps me stay disciplined and by the end of the day, the last thing I want to do is go to the gym. I want to go to the house and do as little as possible in the evening. Play with my dog, text my friends, make something to eat, watch Netflix, write and not worry about missing my time at the gym.
Being an adult, working full time, paying bills, making meals, cleaning, is exhausting. Then tie in those who have kids, who are active with their hobbies, and you have a very packed schedule. So, what is the secret to maintaining our health?
It comes to the basics, eat wisely, don’t deprive yourself, but don’t over indulge either. Find a way to enjoy salads, vegetables, fruits, so they can be something enjoyed in life not dreaded. Next, find a way to work out at least three times a week. Maybe start with three times a week and build up to five days a week. Whether it is taking your dog and your kids out for a long walk after work, playing for a solid 30-45 minutes in the yard, or finding a family friendly gym and all of you go and workout together. Yes, that means the housework gets put off, yes, it means less time with Netflix, but it means a healthier you. That is what it is about, finding what works for YOU and sticking with it. Adding it into your routine so when you don’t get to workout you notice, and you try to maintain that healthy step in your life.
You have to want to do it. No one can do it for you. If you want it, which you should want to have healthy habits in your life, then you will find a way. It is not easy. I use to think how the ‘skinny girls in high school’ had it SO easy! They were small, petite, skinny, popular and I had assumed they were naturally that way. While it may be true for some, here is the thing. A lot of those girls did have a high metabolism, but one day that changed in their lives and suddenly they had to adjust their entire way of living, eating, and working out. Some girls were super active in high school and into college, then got a real job and discovered as they were not as active, they gained weight, loss self esteem and began their roller coaster battle. All of our paths are different, we cannot compare ourselves to someone else. Just because you see someone very fit at the gym, at the local department store, running a marathon, does not mean it came easy to them. They have their challenges, their struggles, just like you and I do.
You have to want to do it. No one can do it for you. If you want it, which you should want to have healthy habits in your life, then you will find a way. It is not easy. I use to think how the ‘skinny girls in high school’ had it SO easy! They were small, petite, skinny, popular and I had assumed they were naturally that way. While it may be true for some, here is the thing. A lot of those girls did have a high metabolism, but one day that changed in their lives and suddenly they had to adjust their entire way of living, eating, and working out. Some girls were super active in high school and into college, then got a real job and discovered as they were not as active, they gained weight, loss self esteem and began their roller coaster battle. All of our paths are different, we cannot compare ourselves to someone else. Just because you see someone very fit at the gym, at the local department store, running a marathon, does not mean it came easy to them. They have their challenges, their struggles, just like you and I do.
One way to help yourself get on the right foot, is get rid of the voices in your head. Stop beating yourself up, start lifting yourself up with positive reinforcement. A lot of what stops us from pursuing what we want in life in any capacity, is fear, insecurity and the voices in our heads which tell us we cannot do it.
Find a way to win the battle against that voice. From there on in, it will get easier, when you start telling yourself you CAN and you WILL verses I cannot, that opens the door to opportunity. Whether in your fitness, your career or anything you want to accomplish, first you have to stop settling for less, find your worth and value and go make it happen.
Now, how do you make it happen? Each path has to be specific to you. I can’t give you the solution to who, what, how to make it happen because your life is different from mine. Yet, I can share with you what worked for me and my schedule. From there take what you can find to be useful, find other resources as well, but don’t over research at some point put down the magazine, turn the internet off (yes, I said OFF) and go do it!! Try something not just once but twice, because maybe the first time you didn’t like it, but the second time it might come easier, or really make it clear it was not something you enjoyed. Enjoy this journey in life, we only get one shot at it. Yes, we all have aches and pains we all hurt after a solid workout, but that does not mean we give up.
Prime example, two men, both older, maybe about 10 years apart. One was a dairy farmer, who worked hard every day, had pain due to high school football injuries and added pain from the tough duration of farm work.
Another man, who was a little bit younger, had a factory job who would climb up into high and sometimes what seemed like unreachable areas to replace light bulbs at work. Not always easy job climbing, reaching, carrying heavy things and over straining his body.
Another man, who was a little bit younger, had a factory job who would climb up into high and sometimes what seemed like unreachable areas to replace light bulbs at work. Not always easy job climbing, reaching, carrying heavy things and over straining his body.
Both had knee issues, back issues and pain. One complained about his pain while he sat on the couch and ate junk food. The other went along his day, having just as much pain, but working his way through it and finding he felt better the more active he stayed.
Don’t be the guy stuck on the couch, gaining weight, watching endless tv, complaining. No one wants to be around that guy. Because we ALL hurt. It is what you do with your life experience which builds your character.
Join me, as I am embarking on facing my challenges with work, seeking a full time writing career and my journey as I lose 50 lbs. I am not happy about having to lose 50 lbs considering just a few months ago I was a lot closer to my goal weight. This won’t be easy, but this will be my struggle, my path of how I got there, then once I get there, how I maintain it. Something that took me a long time to learn, is once that weight is off, it does not magically stay off, it can come back. Good health and fitness is a lifestyle change that has to be a part of your life. Which is why you need to find a way to enjoy it. Because there will be days when you will not want to be at the gym, yet you will need to go. Those particular days I enjoy getting the work out over. It is easy to give up and quit, and that makes it all the more difficult to get started.
It truly comes down to, what is it that you want? Do you want to lose that weight? Do you want to be healthy and look good in your clothes? I know I do. I also know it won’t happen overnight, and it won’t be easy.
But, this will be real. Real food, real workouts, mistakes and victories, along with a solid effort on my behalf to get me back to where I once was when I moved to Nashville, Tenn. My goal weight, good health and an active lifestyle. I’m not going to let my disappointments, my failed attempts, my job, get me down. I’m going to move forward and do what I can to achieve my goals.
I won’t announce my goal weight, because it is just a number. For my build and height that number is not a number like 135 or 145, and when I see it, it gives me this mental moment of being judged, whether I am or not. I don’t want it staring at me. I know I have 50 lbs to lose, and I will post where that number lies, whether it goes up or down. Just remember, your weight, whatever it may be is just a number. It does not define you.
Tuesday, August 9, 2016
Drinking...
Drinking rarely solves anything. Yesterday, I was eased into two large glasses of wine which got me quite the intoxicating buzz. From there I agreed to go out for Mexican, where I helped drink down a small pitcher of margaritas.
When I got back to the house drunk and being silly... I knew I had made a mistake going out. I lost an entire evening that I could have been working on my writing. I had two photos which needed to be edited and sent to a client which did not get done.
Waking up this morning at 5am I was not hung over, because I still felt drunk. Along with that feeling I had great disappointment in myself. Why did I go and do that? I realize it is just one night, and sure we need to cut loose. But, when all I do is regret it and reflect on what I would have rather been doing...and I would not be feeling sluggish today.
That is not who I am - I don't enjoy going out and being drunk. While the friend who I was with and I did have fun, and it was nice to go out for Mexican, I really should have done what I always do. Take the stairs, go to my room, buckle down and work.
When I got back to the house drunk and being silly... I knew I had made a mistake going out. I lost an entire evening that I could have been working on my writing. I had two photos which needed to be edited and sent to a client which did not get done.
Waking up this morning at 5am I was not hung over, because I still felt drunk. Along with that feeling I had great disappointment in myself. Why did I go and do that? I realize it is just one night, and sure we need to cut loose. But, when all I do is regret it and reflect on what I would have rather been doing...and I would not be feeling sluggish today.
That is not who I am - I don't enjoy going out and being drunk. While the friend who I was with and I did have fun, and it was nice to go out for Mexican, I really should have done what I always do. Take the stairs, go to my room, buckle down and work.
Sunday, August 7, 2016
Breakfast at Julia's
I love to cook and bake. Oh, how I long for the day when I have my own beautiful kitchen with high grade appliances, open spaces and counters to prepare and cook.
Lately, life has been too crazy for me to cook and bake like I want, but today I was able to take some time today to make some breakfast.
I love to do breakfast. I was able to find the time to make up some pancakes for me and my roommate Julia. A photographer friend took me out for coffee yesterday, and kindly bought some fresh peaches at a local farm/produce stand on our way to our vehicles. Immediately I began imagining those peaches being used on some pancakes or waffles.
I like to dress up pancakes and waffles. Yes, they are yummy plain, but when you use fresh eggs from your own chickens, and top it with fruit, coconut and pecans with a little chocolate drizzle. You add a touch of pizazz to your breakfast that makes starting your day fun.
It isn't difficult to do a little extra work cutting up some bananas, peaches, digging out some coconut and pecans to dress it up a little. Plus, you can have a lot of fun with your presentation. If I had been thinking far enough in advance, I probably would have layered a few banana slices between the layers of pancakes, but I think stacking the various fruit items can also be pretty. As much as I love syrup, when you start putting extra yummy things on your pancakes you don't need as much. I do a little butter slab between pancakes, top with the fruit, drizzle some chocolate sauce, you have a pretty presentation and a delicious breakfast.
Have glasses of orange juice or cups of coffee ready and you can surprise who ever is just waking up!
Lately, life has been too crazy for me to cook and bake like I want, but today I was able to take some time today to make some breakfast.
I love to do breakfast. I was able to find the time to make up some pancakes for me and my roommate Julia. A photographer friend took me out for coffee yesterday, and kindly bought some fresh peaches at a local farm/produce stand on our way to our vehicles. Immediately I began imagining those peaches being used on some pancakes or waffles.
I like to dress up pancakes and waffles. Yes, they are yummy plain, but when you use fresh eggs from your own chickens, and top it with fruit, coconut and pecans with a little chocolate drizzle. You add a touch of pizazz to your breakfast that makes starting your day fun.
It isn't difficult to do a little extra work cutting up some bananas, peaches, digging out some coconut and pecans to dress it up a little. Plus, you can have a lot of fun with your presentation. If I had been thinking far enough in advance, I probably would have layered a few banana slices between the layers of pancakes, but I think stacking the various fruit items can also be pretty. As much as I love syrup, when you start putting extra yummy things on your pancakes you don't need as much. I do a little butter slab between pancakes, top with the fruit, drizzle some chocolate sauce, you have a pretty presentation and a delicious breakfast.
Have glasses of orange juice or cups of coffee ready and you can surprise who ever is just waking up!
The ingredients for what will become a yummy breakfast!
Julia's portion as I know she won't want a big breakfast
Pancakes with peaches, bananas, coconut, pecans, chocolate drizzle and syrup
so good!
YUM!!
Friday, August 5, 2016
My Day
At least once a week I like to sleep in with no distractions. If I get up and let the dog out I enjoy knowing there is one day a week I have the option to go back to bed if I want. That day usually falls on a Sunday, and today was one of those days.
My life is simple. I wake up, let the dog out, wash my face, make coffee and get the morning ready so I can leave to go feed chickens. They are always on my mind in the morning because I have to drive an average of 22 miles one way to get to them each day to make sure they are fed, have fresh water, collect eggs, give them their treats and make sure they are safe, healthy and happy.
The chickens reside in a small hen house with a chicken coop which I built in a friends back yard who lives on the west side of town. I love the west side, I am the most familiar with that area, you can get onto the interstate quickly, you can hit Briley and zip to where you need to go and it just has a different atmosphere than other areas of town. It is where I would prefer to live, but the cost of living on that side of town has been out of my price range for a while.
For whatever reason, that part of town has always felt cooler and more comfortable to me. I love it over there. The coffee shops, the stores, everything. I like going there each day and a little sad when I leave.
This morning while I was there I realized this time of my life has an expiration. There will be a day when I will move my hens and I won't go to my friends house each day anymore. Which will be bitter sweet as it will be nice to have them in my own space, but sad I won't be going to enjoy her lush green and peaceful yard each day like I have for over two years.
To keep this in my memory I took my phone and took a few snapshots to help preserve this memory. I am doing all I can to reach within myself to push forward to obtain this goal dangling in front of me. My chickens inspire me to get out of bed, to work hard so I can give them a backyard of their very own, a bigger hen house, more elaborate chicken coop, and a place for my doggy to run and play. It is what keeps me going - and I tell them every day I hope we are a day closer to giving them a better life. Thankfully, they are happy and healthy where they are - but that does not stop me from wanting to give them something better.
This is a part of my life, my daily routine and something which I enjoy each and every day.
My life is simple. I wake up, let the dog out, wash my face, make coffee and get the morning ready so I can leave to go feed chickens. They are always on my mind in the morning because I have to drive an average of 22 miles one way to get to them each day to make sure they are fed, have fresh water, collect eggs, give them their treats and make sure they are safe, healthy and happy.
The chickens reside in a small hen house with a chicken coop which I built in a friends back yard who lives on the west side of town. I love the west side, I am the most familiar with that area, you can get onto the interstate quickly, you can hit Briley and zip to where you need to go and it just has a different atmosphere than other areas of town. It is where I would prefer to live, but the cost of living on that side of town has been out of my price range for a while.
For whatever reason, that part of town has always felt cooler and more comfortable to me. I love it over there. The coffee shops, the stores, everything. I like going there each day and a little sad when I leave.
This morning while I was there I realized this time of my life has an expiration. There will be a day when I will move my hens and I won't go to my friends house each day anymore. Which will be bitter sweet as it will be nice to have them in my own space, but sad I won't be going to enjoy her lush green and peaceful yard each day like I have for over two years.
To keep this in my memory I took my phone and took a few snapshots to help preserve this memory. I am doing all I can to reach within myself to push forward to obtain this goal dangling in front of me. My chickens inspire me to get out of bed, to work hard so I can give them a backyard of their very own, a bigger hen house, more elaborate chicken coop, and a place for my doggy to run and play. It is what keeps me going - and I tell them every day I hope we are a day closer to giving them a better life. Thankfully, they are happy and healthy where they are - but that does not stop me from wanting to give them something better.
A garden table greets me each morning - usually unused, but it gives the space character
Dodger the dog greets me every morning and he either wants in the backyard if he is in the front yard, or the front yard if he is in the back yard.
Once I am through the gate this is the view of their backyard
The view into their large backyard where I get to walk every day to make my way down to take care of my chickens
The path I walk each day to go down to their hen house and chicken coop
The entry to their chicken coop where they wait for me each day to see them, care for them and feed them
My girls!
This is a part of my life, my daily routine and something which I enjoy each and every day.
As Days Pass By
I live a lonely life. I'm not necessarily lonely, but sometimes it is not always easy doing everything by myself. Once I was finished with work, ran errands, picked up some wine at the grocery store (which is now allowed in Tennessee) I ordered take out.
There is something empowering about being able to afford to buy dinner like this for myself. Yet, as I was leaving the restaurant and walking to my vehicle carrying my take out, I felt very alone. I had picked up dinner for one, me and only me.
It seems as I reflect on my life, so much of it has been alone. As I see friends and family on Facebook who have a spouse to share their life with I get very sad inside. Yes, yes, sure, sure, when that person is meant to come into my life he will. Whatever!! Do you have any idea how much it hurts to wake up alone, make meals alone, go do things alone or as a damn third wheel, go to bed alone and wake up alone and start over. It is frustrating, it hurts, and it absolutely 100% SUCKS. While, yes, I would rather be alone than with the wrong person. However, I wonder how much more of my life is going to continue to be lived alone. Why do I have to continue to live my life alone? I am beyond over doing everything alone, which is why I got a dog - so I could have companionship. Bristol is a great fit for me as she is sweet, patient and wants companionship.
While I am happy, somewhat content, I want to have someone in my life, I want to be engaged, knowing I have that person in my life I will spend the rest of my life with...yet each day passes by alone. Tonight while I eat dinner by myself watching Netflix made me a little sad. Yes, I would much rather have my life in a different phase by now, but that has not here yet.
So much is up in the air right now. There are many thoughts which go through my head each day about where I am going to live, should I try to rent or buy a place, where will I be professionally, will I finally have the energy to pursue my writing like I want?
Sometimes I feel sad, lost, confused, and just wish the answers were more clear and life was not so hard all the time. I keep hoping for the answers and the past three years have brought me slow progress. I feel it can only continue to get better, it would be nice if it would get better faster.
Time will tell, I do realize that but I am exhausted and just wish something incredibly uplifting and positive and life enhancing would happen a little quicker.
Feeling frustrated tonight.
There is something empowering about being able to afford to buy dinner like this for myself. Yet, as I was leaving the restaurant and walking to my vehicle carrying my take out, I felt very alone. I had picked up dinner for one, me and only me.
It seems as I reflect on my life, so much of it has been alone. As I see friends and family on Facebook who have a spouse to share their life with I get very sad inside. Yes, yes, sure, sure, when that person is meant to come into my life he will. Whatever!! Do you have any idea how much it hurts to wake up alone, make meals alone, go do things alone or as a damn third wheel, go to bed alone and wake up alone and start over. It is frustrating, it hurts, and it absolutely 100% SUCKS. While, yes, I would rather be alone than with the wrong person. However, I wonder how much more of my life is going to continue to be lived alone. Why do I have to continue to live my life alone? I am beyond over doing everything alone, which is why I got a dog - so I could have companionship. Bristol is a great fit for me as she is sweet, patient and wants companionship.
While I am happy, somewhat content, I want to have someone in my life, I want to be engaged, knowing I have that person in my life I will spend the rest of my life with...yet each day passes by alone. Tonight while I eat dinner by myself watching Netflix made me a little sad. Yes, I would much rather have my life in a different phase by now, but that has not here yet.
So much is up in the air right now. There are many thoughts which go through my head each day about where I am going to live, should I try to rent or buy a place, where will I be professionally, will I finally have the energy to pursue my writing like I want?
Sometimes I feel sad, lost, confused, and just wish the answers were more clear and life was not so hard all the time. I keep hoping for the answers and the past three years have brought me slow progress. I feel it can only continue to get better, it would be nice if it would get better faster.
Time will tell, I do realize that but I am exhausted and just wish something incredibly uplifting and positive and life enhancing would happen a little quicker.
Feeling frustrated tonight.
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