Joel Osteen preaches about how 'your breakthrough' is coming, stick with it during the difficult times, because God will pull you through.
I ask....how damn hard does it have to get? I realized today after much contemplation, my life is NOT better today than it was 20 years ago. Instead I face enormous debt, bills I cannot pay, and a job that is unstable and no one can guarantee my employment. I am SO sick of people telling me to stay positive, NO SHIT!! I know this and I try and if you knew me, at all, you would know NOT to say that to me because you would know I do my very best to be positive, to be realistic about situations and I give thanks about everything! From the air I breathe to the shower I get to take to the bed I get to sleep in to the food I eat, for the red light because it probably just saved me from an accident, to being able to buy food. I give thanks for my friends, for the opportunities ahead and every aspect of my life. I live with expectancy, I am told good things are coming so I stay open to receiving them.
Then in less than two weeks apart my truck breaks down. If one more damn person tells me it is time to sell my truck, I am gonna throat punch them. If you want to tell me that, then you hand over the cash for me to buy something, because the money is not there. As further and further in debt that I fall behind I don't know how to get where I want to be in life anymore.
I am discouraged. I am human and go through difficult times like anyone else. I don't want unsolicited advice anymore. I don't want any advice anymore. I want to hear God and I have been spending way too much damn time trying to listen to everyone around me and gaining no damn ground.
I am so over everything... I am so deep down in the dirt I don't know how to even think about looking up to the sky anymore. I saw a post on Pinterest when you are down on your knees, it is a good time to pray...knees? I am face down in the dirt, again. It seems no amount of positive prayer and gratitude is getting me anywhere. How can I dare to dream? I don't know how to accomplish the dreams I desire. I can't pay rent, I am 40 and I cannot pay rent, what the EFFING HELL IS HAPPENING!?!?
I don't want to be lifted up, I don't want to be encouraged, I want to be. Just be. Just left alone to figure this out. I don't want to be told anything...nothing positive, nothing negative, just silence so I can sit and pray and figure this gigantic disastrous mess out. Because I no longer know where I am going or how to get there or how to pay for anything.
I get it figured out, I had enough money to pay for my bills and enough left over for gas and a few groceries for the next two weeks. Then the next paycheck I was praying would have two weeks of pay on it, which I do not know because my employer won't tell me what is going on with my job or if I am even guaranteed hours next week. If it had 80 hours on the next check, I could pay my bills and take a small step to getting ahead...then the truck breaks down and is sitting on the side of I-40 waiting for a tow truck.
I'm sick, the most sick I have been in I don't know how long. I do not remember the last time I was this sick and it is not going away quickly. I have a writing assignment this weekend and I should not be in public. I was hoping to be more well today and I am absolutely not. It is stressful and overwhelming and frustrating as I don't know what to do or if I should even bother trying to get ahead because I obviously can't...what is happening to me? What is happening to my life???
I don't get it...I want to work, I'm willing to work, I'm willing to try...I want to get ahead, so why do I keep getting buried and pushed down? I feel like anything that was once hopeful and possible just doesn't matter anymore.
Twenty years has gone by...when I was 20 I was in college full of hope, working three jobs hoping to pay bills, get ahead, pursue that degree so I could get somewhere in life. Where has it gotten me? Because when I compare my life now to 20 years ago...there sadly is not much of a difference.
Thursday, February 25, 2016
Friday, February 19, 2016
Not Doing Great...
Wednesday I went to see Felipe, after our special time together I went to use his bathroom. I couldn't find the toilet paper, thinking I would find some in the closet since there was none on the floor or under the sink I opened the door...and there sat a woman's make up case. A large clear make up bag with a TON of nail polish, cover up and an eye lash curler. There were no brushes, no sponge, no eye shadow, mascara and I don't know how long that had been there.
I don't know what to think about this and on Thursday after I told my best friend, Theresa, and she said she would have panicked and called him out on it, I picked up the phone and called him. I was surprised he answered. I asked him about his smoking, and then I said look, are you having sex with other women? Because we are being intimate, I don't want anything to affect my health and I would hope you would respect me enough to tell me if you are having sex with other women.
He said no.
We discussed it further in detail, he and discussed truth and I hung up feeling better, but apprehensive. I don't know what to think and all day today I have been thinking and thinking about how I am feeling about this situation and I have been praying...deeply. Between this and my job in the air I went to my truck at lunch and sobbed...and between gasps I prayed out loud to God.
Finally, I went back inside, ate my lunch and a while later a song I just could not deal with listening to came over the speaker and I had to go outside. During this ten minute break I cried and prayed, and asked God about Felipe, what I should do. Then clear as if it were being said out loud to me again I heard Felipe's mothers voice, "Please don't give up on him". Then this light energy went through me.
I don't know if I am making the right decision to wait to see what happens, but life is about risk and as long as my health is not going to be affected...I will see what is in store. Maybe I will get deeply hurt, I know God will pull me through it.
But, considering Wednesday night and last night on the phone he said he knows he needs to get healthy and needs help...maybe one of these days he will actually realize he needs to stop putting it off. And...honestly, if it gets to a point where I find out he is lying and there is someone else around, I will be his friend and stand by while he fucks up his life.
Regardless...six months has gone by...and it is time for the dynamic between us to change...whatever that may be or consist of...time will tell.
After my emotional rollercoaster day I left work and went to Target where I bought Kleenex and oreo cookies. On the drive to the house I prayed and a calm came over me and my depression and sadness lifted. God is in control, I asked Him to take control a while ago. I have to believe He will direct my steps and take care of me.
Maybe along the way He will guide me to a successful writing career, where I can live a life of published articles and books, dear God please let that be my future!
...now pass the milk...the oreos are waiting.
I don't know what to think about this and on Thursday after I told my best friend, Theresa, and she said she would have panicked and called him out on it, I picked up the phone and called him. I was surprised he answered. I asked him about his smoking, and then I said look, are you having sex with other women? Because we are being intimate, I don't want anything to affect my health and I would hope you would respect me enough to tell me if you are having sex with other women.
He said no.
We discussed it further in detail, he and discussed truth and I hung up feeling better, but apprehensive. I don't know what to think and all day today I have been thinking and thinking about how I am feeling about this situation and I have been praying...deeply. Between this and my job in the air I went to my truck at lunch and sobbed...and between gasps I prayed out loud to God.
Finally, I went back inside, ate my lunch and a while later a song I just could not deal with listening to came over the speaker and I had to go outside. During this ten minute break I cried and prayed, and asked God about Felipe, what I should do. Then clear as if it were being said out loud to me again I heard Felipe's mothers voice, "Please don't give up on him". Then this light energy went through me.
I don't know if I am making the right decision to wait to see what happens, but life is about risk and as long as my health is not going to be affected...I will see what is in store. Maybe I will get deeply hurt, I know God will pull me through it.
But, considering Wednesday night and last night on the phone he said he knows he needs to get healthy and needs help...maybe one of these days he will actually realize he needs to stop putting it off. And...honestly, if it gets to a point where I find out he is lying and there is someone else around, I will be his friend and stand by while he fucks up his life.
Regardless...six months has gone by...and it is time for the dynamic between us to change...whatever that may be or consist of...time will tell.
After my emotional rollercoaster day I left work and went to Target where I bought Kleenex and oreo cookies. On the drive to the house I prayed and a calm came over me and my depression and sadness lifted. God is in control, I asked Him to take control a while ago. I have to believe He will direct my steps and take care of me.
Maybe along the way He will guide me to a successful writing career, where I can live a life of published articles and books, dear God please let that be my future!
...now pass the milk...the oreos are waiting.
Thursday, February 18, 2016
Routine...
I like routine. When my routine is upset, I go through an internal unrest; I feel jumbled. Like a spirit within has been disrupted from its nest and it can't get comfortable again.
Recently, I went through a disturbance to my routine and now I am facing an unrest in my spirit.
Last week the doctor & I (I'm assigned to a doctor's office) had a misunderstanding. She then replaced the lab I work for with a different lab. This leaving my job in jeopardy. I was assigned to a new office, and thought it would be my new permanent location.
This is not the case.
Now...I do not know what is going to happen. I know I will be covering for a maternity leave starting the middle of March, and I am praying that woman will be out until the middle of June. However, I do not know my future past this maternity leave which makes me uneasy, nervous and uncertain of what my future holds with this company.
I was in a groove with my alarm usually going off around 4:30 am, and I was out the door close to 6:00am. I started a 6:00am Zumba class on Thursday's, which meant I was out the door by 5:30 am which was not always easy, but I made it work.
I liked the area of town I was spending my time and routine in - the west side of Nashville. Traffic wasn't that bad, I was around my chickens, gym, PO Box, work, got a library card and started going there...and now...it is all jumbled.
I am trying to tell myself this is happening for a reason, God is at work here. But, I'm scared. I want to go back to what I once knew as my routine that I was enjoying so much.
Recently, I went through a disturbance to my routine and now I am facing an unrest in my spirit.
Last week the doctor & I (I'm assigned to a doctor's office) had a misunderstanding. She then replaced the lab I work for with a different lab. This leaving my job in jeopardy. I was assigned to a new office, and thought it would be my new permanent location.
This is not the case.
Now...I do not know what is going to happen. I know I will be covering for a maternity leave starting the middle of March, and I am praying that woman will be out until the middle of June. However, I do not know my future past this maternity leave which makes me uneasy, nervous and uncertain of what my future holds with this company.
I was in a groove with my alarm usually going off around 4:30 am, and I was out the door close to 6:00am. I started a 6:00am Zumba class on Thursday's, which meant I was out the door by 5:30 am which was not always easy, but I made it work.
I liked the area of town I was spending my time and routine in - the west side of Nashville. Traffic wasn't that bad, I was around my chickens, gym, PO Box, work, got a library card and started going there...and now...it is all jumbled.
I am trying to tell myself this is happening for a reason, God is at work here. But, I'm scared. I want to go back to what I once knew as my routine that I was enjoying so much.
Sunday, February 14, 2016
Fitness Goals in 2016
I began to realize about a year ago that my goals were really streamlining themselves into focus. It came down to my writing and my fitness.
Last year January I joined Planet Fitness and I have been going five days a week since then to work out. I realized after last summer I was not seeing the results I was wanting. Now, granted I was seeing some tone develop in my legs and my endurance increase. But, I want to really see the next 20-25 lbs go away. That motivated me to sign up a time to meet with a trainer last year October, with hopes I would see a change by December. Then in January, I decided I needed to make a change to get myself to where I want to be and I began to sign up with the personal trainer on Friday's at 6am to push myself. I have also been going hiking almost every Saturday since December. With encouragement from my personal trainer I try to attend a Zumba class at least once if not twice a week.
I want to now pursue a series of fitness challenges as there are several areas I want to focus on and trim up this year. It consists of FIVE areas, oy! Abs-especially the lower abs, thighs-inner and outer, butt, back and upper arms. I want to really tone up all of these areas, shape them up and tone up and I am hoping by June I will see some serious definition and by this December I pray to see a transformation.
Today, I began a 30 day fitness challenge, where I have begun to do squats. Along with being on the 30 minutes on the treadmill, and a series of ab exercises. I completed 55 squats today. I am following a 30 day squat challenge I found on Pinterest.
You are going to help me be accountable as I want to blog about what I do, what I eat and the progress I am making. I want to prove at 40 I can look incredible and better than ever before! I also want to prove to myself that I CAN shape up and tone up my lower abs, as they have always been a problem area for me!!
Last year January I joined Planet Fitness and I have been going five days a week since then to work out. I realized after last summer I was not seeing the results I was wanting. Now, granted I was seeing some tone develop in my legs and my endurance increase. But, I want to really see the next 20-25 lbs go away. That motivated me to sign up a time to meet with a trainer last year October, with hopes I would see a change by December. Then in January, I decided I needed to make a change to get myself to where I want to be and I began to sign up with the personal trainer on Friday's at 6am to push myself. I have also been going hiking almost every Saturday since December. With encouragement from my personal trainer I try to attend a Zumba class at least once if not twice a week.
I want to now pursue a series of fitness challenges as there are several areas I want to focus on and trim up this year. It consists of FIVE areas, oy! Abs-especially the lower abs, thighs-inner and outer, butt, back and upper arms. I want to really tone up all of these areas, shape them up and tone up and I am hoping by June I will see some serious definition and by this December I pray to see a transformation.
Today, I began a 30 day fitness challenge, where I have begun to do squats. Along with being on the 30 minutes on the treadmill, and a series of ab exercises. I completed 55 squats today. I am following a 30 day squat challenge I found on Pinterest.
You are going to help me be accountable as I want to blog about what I do, what I eat and the progress I am making. I want to prove at 40 I can look incredible and better than ever before! I also want to prove to myself that I CAN shape up and tone up my lower abs, as they have always been a problem area for me!!
Tuesday, February 9, 2016
Life...Where is it Going?
Each and every day I get up and out of bed, I give Thanks to God for being another day closer to the desires of my heart. I pray for two people who came into my life six months ago. I am grateful to be a part of their lives as they are very good people.
I met Felipe in August on Plenty of Fish, he goes by a different name, but that will work for this online presence. He has told me on several occasions he likes me. At one point he told me he has feelings for me. A little over a week ago he told me he liked me, he knew I liked him, and he admitted to me he was too sick. He was sick emotionally and sick physically and was not healthy for an "us".
This to me was a baby step for him to hopefully be able to find it within himself to seek the help he needs. Whatever happens between me and this man, I know God is at the helm and will guide me through it. If Felipe is the one for me, God will show me the way. Until then, I am honored to be a part of his life and his Mom's life and offer kindness, love and support.
Not hearing from him for over a week has me missing him and worried about him. Each day I pray I will hear from him, as I don't like not hearing from him. When I am in his presence I feel calm and at peace. I find his intelligence to be sexy, he is sweet and gentle. I keep praying God will allow him to be vulnerable again, and turn to me, that God will allow him to be surrounded by good people who are loving and kind and helps him make good decisions.
He is a good man, and deserves to have a better, more healthy life. His Mom is amazing and deserves kindness, love and peace in her life. I am blessed and honored to be allowed to be a part of her journey and have God let me be there for her.
Yesterday was discouraging, as I work for a company called, Aegis while I pursue my writing career. The doctor in the office where I am assigned has the potential to be mean, and vicious. She took her frustration out on me yesterday, threatened me with my job, told me "job security comes from doing more than our job description". I stood there in silence because I knew if I said anything I would be under attack. I also thought to myself how she really does not know what I do for that office while she is not around. I cannot in any capacity do work in her office or I could lose my job. Secondly, I do a lot in that office when she is with patients that helps her office. I help her staff as much as I can. I even helped her staff members and her yesterday by walking them through what needs to be done. But, she decided to make it about her, and be dramatic and lied to my boss that I sat on my ass and told her I would not help. That was far from the truth. I stood behind her and her new front desk worker and explained what they needed to do.
There are some things I don't remember how to do because I have not done it in over a year.
It was horribly uncomfortable. She also made a point to call my boss and bitch about me yesterday after I left. She texted me to let me and only me know, I would not be coming in today as the office "may be closed". No one else received that text.
It is an awful feeling. It is sick. I pray this is God's way of reminding me to get focused on my goals, my writing so I can be free from the doctor bitch from hell.
I met Felipe in August on Plenty of Fish, he goes by a different name, but that will work for this online presence. He has told me on several occasions he likes me. At one point he told me he has feelings for me. A little over a week ago he told me he liked me, he knew I liked him, and he admitted to me he was too sick. He was sick emotionally and sick physically and was not healthy for an "us".
This to me was a baby step for him to hopefully be able to find it within himself to seek the help he needs. Whatever happens between me and this man, I know God is at the helm and will guide me through it. If Felipe is the one for me, God will show me the way. Until then, I am honored to be a part of his life and his Mom's life and offer kindness, love and support.
Not hearing from him for over a week has me missing him and worried about him. Each day I pray I will hear from him, as I don't like not hearing from him. When I am in his presence I feel calm and at peace. I find his intelligence to be sexy, he is sweet and gentle. I keep praying God will allow him to be vulnerable again, and turn to me, that God will allow him to be surrounded by good people who are loving and kind and helps him make good decisions.
He is a good man, and deserves to have a better, more healthy life. His Mom is amazing and deserves kindness, love and peace in her life. I am blessed and honored to be allowed to be a part of her journey and have God let me be there for her.
Yesterday was discouraging, as I work for a company called, Aegis while I pursue my writing career. The doctor in the office where I am assigned has the potential to be mean, and vicious. She took her frustration out on me yesterday, threatened me with my job, told me "job security comes from doing more than our job description". I stood there in silence because I knew if I said anything I would be under attack. I also thought to myself how she really does not know what I do for that office while she is not around. I cannot in any capacity do work in her office or I could lose my job. Secondly, I do a lot in that office when she is with patients that helps her office. I help her staff as much as I can. I even helped her staff members and her yesterday by walking them through what needs to be done. But, she decided to make it about her, and be dramatic and lied to my boss that I sat on my ass and told her I would not help. That was far from the truth. I stood behind her and her new front desk worker and explained what they needed to do.
There are some things I don't remember how to do because I have not done it in over a year.
It was horribly uncomfortable. She also made a point to call my boss and bitch about me yesterday after I left. She texted me to let me and only me know, I would not be coming in today as the office "may be closed". No one else received that text.
It is an awful feeling. It is sick. I pray this is God's way of reminding me to get focused on my goals, my writing so I can be free from the doctor bitch from hell.
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