Breakthrough and Staying Positive

Joel Osteen preaches about how 'your breakthrough' is coming, stick with it during the difficult times, because God will pull you through.
I ask....how damn hard does it have to get?  I realized today after much contemplation, my life is NOT better today than it was 20 years ago.  Instead I face enormous debt, bills I cannot pay, and a job that is unstable and no one can guarantee my employment.  I am SO sick of people telling me to stay positive, NO SHIT!!  I know this and I try and if you knew me, at all, you would know NOT to say that to me because you would know I do my very best to be positive, to be realistic about situations and I give thanks about everything!  From the air I breathe to the shower I get to take to the bed I get to sleep in to the food I eat, for the red light because it probably just saved me from an accident, to being able to buy food.  I give thanks for my friends, for the opportunities ahead and every aspect of my life.  I live with expectancy, I am told good things are coming so I stay open to receiving them.
Then in less than two weeks apart my truck breaks down.  If one more damn person tells me it is time to sell my truck, I am gonna throat punch them.  If you want to tell me that, then you hand over the cash for me to buy something, because the money is not there.  As further and further in debt that I fall behind I don't know how to get where I want to be in life anymore.
I am discouraged.  I am human and go through difficult times like anyone else.  I don't want unsolicited advice anymore.  I don't want any advice anymore.  I want to hear God and I have been spending way too much damn time trying to listen to everyone around me and gaining no damn ground.
I am so over everything... I am so deep down in the dirt I don't know how to even think about looking up to the sky anymore.  I saw a post on Pinterest when you are down on your knees, it is a good time to pray...knees?  I am face down in the dirt, again.  It seems no amount of positive prayer and gratitude is getting me anywhere.  How can I dare to dream?  I don't know how to accomplish the dreams I desire.  I can't pay rent, I am 40 and I cannot pay rent, what the EFFING HELL IS HAPPENING!?!? 
I don't want to be lifted up, I don't want to be encouraged, I want to be.  Just be.  Just left alone to figure this out.  I don't want to be told anything...nothing positive, nothing negative, just silence so I can sit and pray and figure this gigantic disastrous mess out.  Because I no longer know where I am going or how to get there or how to pay for anything. 
I get it figured out, I had enough money to pay for my bills and enough left over for gas and a few groceries for the next two weeks.  Then the next paycheck I was praying would have two weeks of pay on it, which I do not know because my employer won't tell me what is going on with my job or if I am even guaranteed hours next week.  If it had 80 hours on the next check, I could pay my bills and take a small step to getting ahead...then the truck breaks down and is sitting on the side of I-40 waiting for a tow truck.
I'm sick, the most sick I have been in I don't know how long.  I do not remember the last time I was this sick and it is not going away quickly.  I have a writing assignment this weekend and I should not be in public.  I was hoping to be more well today and I am absolutely not.  It is stressful and overwhelming and frustrating as I don't know what to do or if I should even bother trying to get ahead because I obviously can't...what is happening to me?  What is happening to my life???
I don't get it...I want to work, I'm willing to work, I'm willing to try...I want to get ahead, so why do I keep getting buried and pushed down?  I feel like anything that was once hopeful and possible just doesn't matter anymore.
Twenty years has gone by...when I was 20 I was in college full of hope, working three jobs hoping to pay bills, get ahead, pursue that degree so I could get somewhere in life.  Where has it gotten me?  Because when I compare my life now to 20 years ago...there sadly is not much of a difference.