Wednesday I went to see Felipe, after our special time together I went to use his bathroom. I couldn't find the toilet paper, thinking I would find some in the closet since there was none on the floor or under the sink I opened the door...and there sat a woman's make up case. A large clear make up bag with a TON of nail polish, cover up and an eye lash curler. There were no brushes, no sponge, no eye shadow, mascara and I don't know how long that had been there.
I don't know what to think about this and on Thursday after I told my best friend, Theresa, and she said she would have panicked and called him out on it, I picked up the phone and called him. I was surprised he answered. I asked him about his smoking, and then I said look, are you having sex with other women? Because we are being intimate, I don't want anything to affect my health and I would hope you would respect me enough to tell me if you are having sex with other women.
He said no.
We discussed it further in detail, he and discussed truth and I hung up feeling better, but apprehensive. I don't know what to think and all day today I have been thinking and thinking about how I am feeling about this situation and I have been praying...deeply. Between this and my job in the air I went to my truck at lunch and sobbed...and between gasps I prayed out loud to God.
Finally, I went back inside, ate my lunch and a while later a song I just could not deal with listening to came over the speaker and I had to go outside. During this ten minute break I cried and prayed, and asked God about Felipe, what I should do. Then clear as if it were being said out loud to me again I heard Felipe's mothers voice, "Please don't give up on him". Then this light energy went through me.
I don't know if I am making the right decision to wait to see what happens, but life is about risk and as long as my health is not going to be affected...I will see what is in store. Maybe I will get deeply hurt, I know God will pull me through it.
But, considering Wednesday night and last night on the phone he said he knows he needs to get healthy and needs help...maybe one of these days he will actually realize he needs to stop putting it off. And...honestly, if it gets to a point where I find out he is lying and there is someone else around, I will be his friend and stand by while he fucks up his life.
Regardless...six months has gone by...and it is time for the dynamic between us to change...whatever that may be or consist of...time will tell.
After my emotional rollercoaster day I left work and went to Target where I bought Kleenex and oreo cookies. On the drive to the house I prayed and a calm came over me and my depression and sadness lifted. God is in control, I asked Him to take control a while ago. I have to believe He will direct my steps and take care of me.
Maybe along the way He will guide me to a successful writing career, where I can live a life of published articles and books, dear God please let that be my future!
...now pass the milk...the oreos are waiting.
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