I am so torn on where I should be, what I should be doing.
Yesterday, I had my first photo shoot booked after I closed my mind to the idea of pursuing photography anymore. In 30 minutes I made a fair sum, and spent majority of today editing the images. I was relatively pleased with how my lighting turned out. Last night I spent debating on whether or not I should return to trying to make the photography thing work for me.
I haven't had the energy to work on writing and desperately want to be sending out article queries.
I want more to my life. I need to make more money - and I want to work independently from home. I want to be a full time writer.
How is it that I have it in my heart to pursue two of the most difficult careers to get into and be successful at in life? Yet, here I am, feeling lost, confused, and sad.
I don't know how to get there. I want to have a blog where I write about my cooking and baking. I want to have regular articles getting published in national magazines and various newspapers. On top of all of that - I want to have successful published books which end up number one on the New York Times Best Sellers list. To be able to get up, go outside let my dog play while I feed my chickens. Go in for breakfast, slowly get my day started and then write to my hearts content.
Then at night, relax, enjoy some Netflix with dinner and hopefully a good man by my side.
It hurts to know how much I want that - with no idea how to get there.
Sunday, July 31, 2016
Thursday, July 7, 2016
Tennis Anyone?
How wonderful it is I am getting reconnected with a dear friend and making arrangements to go play tennis! My buddy Wayne and I use to meet at least twice a week for the longest time and went and played tennis together. We are not experts at the game, we hold our own and we have fun.
Once upon a time, when I was young, I wanted to be an expert tennis player. During the days of Andre Agassi...am I dating myself, oy! Something about his style, his athletic ability, the way he dominated the game made tennis even more appealing than it already was to me. How can you not be intrigued by someone who goes pro at age 16?
Then you have Steffi Graf, who wouldn't want to be her? Ranked world No 1 during her career and won 22 Grand Slam singles titles? Who does that? Steffi Graf, that is who.
I found some friends who enjoyed playing and even got my brother out on the courts. It was fun and enough of a workout which offered a challenge without completely exhausting yourself.
There is something about a tennis court that I have always found attractive. There is something about a tennis match which will keep me from changing the channel when I come across a competition. Maybe it is one of those games which just about anyone can play. Whether you play well or not you are still given the opportunity to enjoy the game and camaraderie which goes along with it.
Tennis is that game where you can catch on to it quickly, understand the rules and watch in anticipation whether or not that opponent will get to the ball in enough time and return it across the net. It is also a game which you can play it easily and local parks, community centers, and clubs offer relatively easy access to tennis courts. I believe it also helps that you can play the game with just one other person instead of having to track down an entire group of people. If you want to mix it up, often finding two more people to play doubles is not that difficult. People enjoy the game and are traditionally open to utilizing their skills in a friendly match.
I have dug out my tennis racket, went and picked up a fresh set of tennis balls. Now the anticipation begins, I ponder how well my buddy and I will fare on the tennis courts. I'm sure we will go into the game rusty, but I know it will give us great exercise and some fun entertainment as we find our way through a game or two.
Love, love!
Once upon a time, when I was young, I wanted to be an expert tennis player. During the days of Andre Agassi...am I dating myself, oy! Something about his style, his athletic ability, the way he dominated the game made tennis even more appealing than it already was to me. How can you not be intrigued by someone who goes pro at age 16?
Then you have Steffi Graf, who wouldn't want to be her? Ranked world No 1 during her career and won 22 Grand Slam singles titles? Who does that? Steffi Graf, that is who.
I found some friends who enjoyed playing and even got my brother out on the courts. It was fun and enough of a workout which offered a challenge without completely exhausting yourself.
There is something about a tennis court that I have always found attractive. There is something about a tennis match which will keep me from changing the channel when I come across a competition. Maybe it is one of those games which just about anyone can play. Whether you play well or not you are still given the opportunity to enjoy the game and camaraderie which goes along with it.
Tennis is that game where you can catch on to it quickly, understand the rules and watch in anticipation whether or not that opponent will get to the ball in enough time and return it across the net. It is also a game which you can play it easily and local parks, community centers, and clubs offer relatively easy access to tennis courts. I believe it also helps that you can play the game with just one other person instead of having to track down an entire group of people. If you want to mix it up, often finding two more people to play doubles is not that difficult. People enjoy the game and are traditionally open to utilizing their skills in a friendly match.
I have dug out my tennis racket, went and picked up a fresh set of tennis balls. Now the anticipation begins, I ponder how well my buddy and I will fare on the tennis courts. I'm sure we will go into the game rusty, but I know it will give us great exercise and some fun entertainment as we find our way through a game or two.
Love, love!
Sunday, July 3, 2016
Love...my life
I am in love with a man, who is troubled. It doesn't make the road with him easy, however, he is someone who I would love to spend my life with, wake up to and shower with kindness and love for the rest of my life. One of the last times we spoke and spent time together he expressed his feelings for me, said I bring him balance, I make him want to be better, that he misses me, and thinks of me all the time. Then we got together for a wonderful time. Then we went from him talking to me every day, calling me sometimes twice a day, to nothing. Nothing for, as of tomorrow, five weeks. He has done this a couple times before and has always come back... I pray that happens again, because I miss him, and more and more he weighs on my mind.
Please God, if you hear me through the written word, let this man miss me so much that he can't go another moment without me, that he calls me, invites me over so we can see each other.
I miss him. I love him.
I am tired of being without someone who I can spend the rest of my life with...I'm tired of being alone and doing everything alone. Here is a man who is kind to me, who cares and loves me, and all I want is to spend some time with him, be next to him, hear his voice.
I want what everyone else wants in life. A husband, a house of our own, a life shared with someone who is good, kind, handsome, smart, and brings me balance, with support and love. The opportunity to travel and share those experiences with a good man, the man who I love and who loves me.
I have never understood why I have had to wait so long to have the one thing we all want, a special someone to share our life with, but waiting has gone from me being impatient to a deep hurt. I know what it is I want in life, I just don't know how to get there. It hurts watching those around me get the life we all want, the life that I also want, and yet I feel like I am on the outside looking in wondering, praying when will it happen for me.
Please God, if you hear me through the written word, let this man miss me so much that he can't go another moment without me, that he calls me, invites me over so we can see each other.
I miss him. I love him.
I am tired of being without someone who I can spend the rest of my life with...I'm tired of being alone and doing everything alone. Here is a man who is kind to me, who cares and loves me, and all I want is to spend some time with him, be next to him, hear his voice.
I want what everyone else wants in life. A husband, a house of our own, a life shared with someone who is good, kind, handsome, smart, and brings me balance, with support and love. The opportunity to travel and share those experiences with a good man, the man who I love and who loves me.
I have never understood why I have had to wait so long to have the one thing we all want, a special someone to share our life with, but waiting has gone from me being impatient to a deep hurt. I know what it is I want in life, I just don't know how to get there. It hurts watching those around me get the life we all want, the life that I also want, and yet I feel like I am on the outside looking in wondering, praying when will it happen for me.
Friday, July 1, 2016
Hello Stranger
I have not written, not just in this blog, but actually written anything in too long. With a promotion at work, which I was thrilled about as it meant full time hours, I dove in to put myself to work and fully earn those 40 hours every week. The result, an unrealistic schedule during the month of June which has brought me to burn out, exhaustion, lack of sleep, and torn relationships. Oh, and a vehicle which has put so many miles on it in such a short amount of time I am tearing it up and have been in the shop every two weeks for the past six weeks.
Time for a change. When friends, who do not know one another, your Mom and your mechanic tell you it is time for a new job... I think the red flags are beyond abundant.
I wake up every couple of days now in the middle of the night, whip back the covers and I am instantly wide awake worried I am late or over slept. When I am not doing that, I am carrying so much tension in my jaw I am biting down on my cheek and when I wake up I have to slowly pry my teeth out of the tissue of my cheek. Then for the next few days be careful to not bite the swollen area as I eat. My TMJ is flaring and it literally hurts to breathe. My truck began to shake over a week ago and I have not had the energy to deal with it. Finally, knowing I had to face the truth, I went to Jeff's Garage, the most reliable mechanic I have found in Middle-Tennessee, to find out they need to take my truck for the day just to figure out what is going on with the engine. I trust these men and would rather let them have my vehicle for the day, than go anywhere else. They are honest, hard working and do incredibly solid work. Plus, they are a small shop, so they are personable, you can actually talk to the man doing the work on your vehicle. It is exactly the environment I am most comfortable in when it comes to auto care. Sure, it is easy to say get a new vehicle, however, that means more debt I cannot take on right now. Yes, I am doing big repairs, but I feel it is going to help me make this vehicle last a few more years while I do all I can to get ahead financially.
So, as far as me, I decided this week I would go and do something I have wanted to do since I was introduced to it in Oahu several years ago. Stand Up Paddle Boarding. I have signed up for a 10 am, Saturday morning class with a local Stand Up Paddle Board company, and I will be making my very first attempt at SUP. I am considering it my therapy. I feel it will be something which will be new, different, get my mind off things, let my mind wander, maybe find some peace, and just get out of my normal routine.
I need to do something to retrieve my mental health. I am not happy, I am not healthy, I am completely worn out and I am questioning if this company I currently work for will offer opportunities for me to grow into or if this is a dead end for me. Because, honestly, I cannot work this hard to only come to a dead end.
Thankfully, my boss is intelligent enough to know that I am overwhelmed and my schedule has to back off or they will lose me. I was surprised to hear her even be concerned with losing me. It gave me hope that maybe I do work for people who care. It also reminded me that for the first time in ten years I am working for an incredible woman who is someone who wants to keep me as her employee. That is just cool.
My personal relationships have dwindled, I wanted to go see Phillip many times and canceled because I was tired. I have put off trying to go to dinner or make plans with friends because I was too tired or I just did not know what time I would get back into town.
Unfortunately, out of all the things, I miss Phillip the most. I know we have feelings for one another and he was worried he would get in my way of finally doing well in life. Last time I saw him he told me he had feelings for me, that I balanced him, and he invited me over for dinner-which he cooked. It was delicious and we had a great time together. He has gone from calling me just about every day to complete silence. I just pray he is sorting things out and I will hear from him. During the past four weeks, since he loves to cook so much I bought him a bunch of spices and seasonings to use for his cooking endeavors. Tonight I boxed up the items I bought for Phillip which I wanted to give to him as a surprise, but since I have not heard from him in four weeks...they will be mailed to him. As seeing them are just a reminder of how much I miss him.
In order to find my own self again, to work on my well being, tonight, I am splurging. I paid for my beginner lesson on SUP, I bought wine at the grocery store (Tennessee had a law where it could only be sold at liquor stores, and now it is available as of today, July 1, 2016 at 8am to purchase in grocery stores). I am having dinner delivered via Jett's pizza in the form of wings and cheesy bread, I will be indulging in Netflix, and reviewing the jobs I am considering applying for which I printed off while at work today. Beyond that, I took a shower, a real shower where I could enjoy the water, let it run down my back, work into my muscles. I don't remember the last time I took a shower like that, half the time I am wondering when was the last time I washed my hair. I e-mailed my boss two hours before I left to let her know I would be accessible until 5pm, and after that this weekend was for me and me only until Tuesday at 8am.
Sometimes we have to stop and re-evaluate what we want in life, where we want our life to be and make the changes, set the goals to get there.
Time for a change. When friends, who do not know one another, your Mom and your mechanic tell you it is time for a new job... I think the red flags are beyond abundant.
I wake up every couple of days now in the middle of the night, whip back the covers and I am instantly wide awake worried I am late or over slept. When I am not doing that, I am carrying so much tension in my jaw I am biting down on my cheek and when I wake up I have to slowly pry my teeth out of the tissue of my cheek. Then for the next few days be careful to not bite the swollen area as I eat. My TMJ is flaring and it literally hurts to breathe. My truck began to shake over a week ago and I have not had the energy to deal with it. Finally, knowing I had to face the truth, I went to Jeff's Garage, the most reliable mechanic I have found in Middle-Tennessee, to find out they need to take my truck for the day just to figure out what is going on with the engine. I trust these men and would rather let them have my vehicle for the day, than go anywhere else. They are honest, hard working and do incredibly solid work. Plus, they are a small shop, so they are personable, you can actually talk to the man doing the work on your vehicle. It is exactly the environment I am most comfortable in when it comes to auto care. Sure, it is easy to say get a new vehicle, however, that means more debt I cannot take on right now. Yes, I am doing big repairs, but I feel it is going to help me make this vehicle last a few more years while I do all I can to get ahead financially.
So, as far as me, I decided this week I would go and do something I have wanted to do since I was introduced to it in Oahu several years ago. Stand Up Paddle Boarding. I have signed up for a 10 am, Saturday morning class with a local Stand Up Paddle Board company, and I will be making my very first attempt at SUP. I am considering it my therapy. I feel it will be something which will be new, different, get my mind off things, let my mind wander, maybe find some peace, and just get out of my normal routine.
I need to do something to retrieve my mental health. I am not happy, I am not healthy, I am completely worn out and I am questioning if this company I currently work for will offer opportunities for me to grow into or if this is a dead end for me. Because, honestly, I cannot work this hard to only come to a dead end.
Thankfully, my boss is intelligent enough to know that I am overwhelmed and my schedule has to back off or they will lose me. I was surprised to hear her even be concerned with losing me. It gave me hope that maybe I do work for people who care. It also reminded me that for the first time in ten years I am working for an incredible woman who is someone who wants to keep me as her employee. That is just cool.
My personal relationships have dwindled, I wanted to go see Phillip many times and canceled because I was tired. I have put off trying to go to dinner or make plans with friends because I was too tired or I just did not know what time I would get back into town.
Unfortunately, out of all the things, I miss Phillip the most. I know we have feelings for one another and he was worried he would get in my way of finally doing well in life. Last time I saw him he told me he had feelings for me, that I balanced him, and he invited me over for dinner-which he cooked. It was delicious and we had a great time together. He has gone from calling me just about every day to complete silence. I just pray he is sorting things out and I will hear from him. During the past four weeks, since he loves to cook so much I bought him a bunch of spices and seasonings to use for his cooking endeavors. Tonight I boxed up the items I bought for Phillip which I wanted to give to him as a surprise, but since I have not heard from him in four weeks...they will be mailed to him. As seeing them are just a reminder of how much I miss him.
In order to find my own self again, to work on my well being, tonight, I am splurging. I paid for my beginner lesson on SUP, I bought wine at the grocery store (Tennessee had a law where it could only be sold at liquor stores, and now it is available as of today, July 1, 2016 at 8am to purchase in grocery stores). I am having dinner delivered via Jett's pizza in the form of wings and cheesy bread, I will be indulging in Netflix, and reviewing the jobs I am considering applying for which I printed off while at work today. Beyond that, I took a shower, a real shower where I could enjoy the water, let it run down my back, work into my muscles. I don't remember the last time I took a shower like that, half the time I am wondering when was the last time I washed my hair. I e-mailed my boss two hours before I left to let her know I would be accessible until 5pm, and after that this weekend was for me and me only until Tuesday at 8am.
Sometimes we have to stop and re-evaluate what we want in life, where we want our life to be and make the changes, set the goals to get there.
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