I have not written, not just in this blog, but actually written anything in too long. With a promotion at work, which I was thrilled about as it meant full time hours, I dove in to put myself to work and fully earn those 40 hours every week. The result, an unrealistic schedule during the month of June which has brought me to burn out, exhaustion, lack of sleep, and torn relationships. Oh, and a vehicle which has put so many miles on it in such a short amount of time I am tearing it up and have been in the shop every two weeks for the past six weeks.
Time for a change. When friends, who do not know one another, your Mom and your mechanic tell you it is time for a new job... I think the red flags are beyond abundant.
I wake up every couple of days now in the middle of the night, whip back the covers and I am instantly wide awake worried I am late or over slept. When I am not doing that, I am carrying so much tension in my jaw I am biting down on my cheek and when I wake up I have to slowly pry my teeth out of the tissue of my cheek. Then for the next few days be careful to not bite the swollen area as I eat. My TMJ is flaring and it literally hurts to breathe. My truck began to shake over a week ago and I have not had the energy to deal with it. Finally, knowing I had to face the truth, I went to Jeff's Garage, the most reliable mechanic I have found in Middle-Tennessee, to find out they need to take my truck for the day just to figure out what is going on with the engine. I trust these men and would rather let them have my vehicle for the day, than go anywhere else. They are honest, hard working and do incredibly solid work. Plus, they are a small shop, so they are personable, you can actually talk to the man doing the work on your vehicle. It is exactly the environment I am most comfortable in when it comes to auto care. Sure, it is easy to say get a new vehicle, however, that means more debt I cannot take on right now. Yes, I am doing big repairs, but I feel it is going to help me make this vehicle last a few more years while I do all I can to get ahead financially.
So, as far as me, I decided this week I would go and do something I have wanted to do since I was introduced to it in Oahu several years ago. Stand Up Paddle Boarding. I have signed up for a 10 am, Saturday morning class with a local Stand Up Paddle Board company, and I will be making my very first attempt at SUP. I am considering it my therapy. I feel it will be something which will be new, different, get my mind off things, let my mind wander, maybe find some peace, and just get out of my normal routine.
I need to do something to retrieve my mental health. I am not happy, I am not healthy, I am completely worn out and I am questioning if this company I currently work for will offer opportunities for me to grow into or if this is a dead end for me. Because, honestly, I cannot work this hard to only come to a dead end.
Thankfully, my boss is intelligent enough to know that I am overwhelmed and my schedule has to back off or they will lose me. I was surprised to hear her even be concerned with losing me. It gave me hope that maybe I do work for people who care. It also reminded me that for the first time in ten years I am working for an incredible woman who is someone who wants to keep me as her employee. That is just cool.
My personal relationships have dwindled, I wanted to go see Phillip many times and canceled because I was tired. I have put off trying to go to dinner or make plans with friends because I was too tired or I just did not know what time I would get back into town.
Unfortunately, out of all the things, I miss Phillip the most. I know we have feelings for one another and he was worried he would get in my way of finally doing well in life. Last time I saw him he told me he had feelings for me, that I balanced him, and he invited me over for dinner-which he cooked. It was delicious and we had a great time together. He has gone from calling me just about every day to complete silence. I just pray he is sorting things out and I will hear from him. During the past four weeks, since he loves to cook so much I bought him a bunch of spices and seasonings to use for his cooking endeavors. Tonight I boxed up the items I bought for Phillip which I wanted to give to him as a surprise, but since I have not heard from him in four weeks...they will be mailed to him. As seeing them are just a reminder of how much I miss him.
In order to find my own self again, to work on my well being, tonight, I am splurging. I paid for my beginner lesson on SUP, I bought wine at the grocery store (Tennessee had a law where it could only be sold at liquor stores, and now it is available as of today, July 1, 2016 at 8am to purchase in grocery stores). I am having dinner delivered via Jett's pizza in the form of wings and cheesy bread, I will be indulging in Netflix, and reviewing the jobs I am considering applying for which I printed off while at work today. Beyond that, I took a shower, a real shower where I could enjoy the water, let it run down my back, work into my muscles. I don't remember the last time I took a shower like that, half the time I am wondering when was the last time I washed my hair. I e-mailed my boss two hours before I left to let her know I would be accessible until 5pm, and after that this weekend was for me and me only until Tuesday at 8am.
Sometimes we have to stop and re-evaluate what we want in life, where we want our life to be and make the changes, set the goals to get there.
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