When I am away from the computer, I come up with these stories, these ideas. Driving down the road I think of things I want to write and put into a story, a blog entry, an article. Then I get to my laptop and I am overwhelmed by the things which linger to get done. The disarray of my things stuffed into a single bedroom and I shut down. That idea I had two hours ago is gone.
Something I think about often is, where is this life leading? Three years ago life came crashing down, I was deeply depressed, two years ago I was living out on the streets, a year ago I was in the house I am in now renting a room. Currently, after trying to slowly get my truck fixed, pay bills as close to on time as possible, I am debating the idea of buying a house. My information is with a lender and I was suppose to get a call today to find out what they had to tell me. I have six months before I need to be out of where I live now. I am trying to figure out how I am going to buy a plane ticket to go home for Christmas, Christmas presents, rent, bills, start saving for a mission trip, new tires, an alignment, and rear repair to my truck, all within the next six months.
It is overwhelming. I don't even know what to think. Right now, I am tired, exhausted, I can barely keep my eyes open but after this particular day of feeling stressed, trying to get a work tablet to function, managing staff, going through belongings to try and get organized, I am done for the day. So much lies and waits ahead. There is so much I want to try and do. How it will all work out, I don't know, however, I feel I need to find the strength to somehow push through this exhaustion to go after the life I really want for myself.
I am incredibly grateful things are getting better, life is getting back on track. But, there is still a long ways to go to get to where I want to be.
#dreams #goals
Tuesday, September 27, 2016
Wednesday, September 21, 2016
FITNESS - Getting Back Into the Routine
I have been sick - the most sick I have been in at least ten years. It has been awful. A fever, sinus, coughing, absolutely miserable where I could barely get out of bed.
Well over two weeks went by where I did not work out at all. Now I am feeling better, and trying to get back into the routine. What a struggle I am facing.
I realize I need to work out, I am not one of those 'naturally skinny people'. Which I am beginning to think they really don't exist, at least not their entire lives. Along with needing to, I want to work out, I love how I feel after a good workout. When I don't work out, I can feel it. I ache more quickly, my muscles stiffen up more and I begin to feel blah.
Getting back into the routine started off strong on Friday. Then I got the news my friend was canceling and backing out on our dinner plans. Big bummer for me. The next day I had dinner plans with a different friend, and then she canceled. Even bigger bummer for me which left me sad and depressed. Good-bye new workout plans.
Come Monday I am feeling better, and going to the gym, 25 minutes on the treadmill use to be easy for me. My squats felt like it was taking forever just to get to 50 and I had to stop to rest to reach one minute on my planks.
What does a person do? Well, I have come to realize we need to be kinder to ourselves. I have not been pushing as hard as I want to for the past several months. Then I get sick and don't work out at all for over two weeks. Getting back into the routine is hard, and beating myself up over it wont' help at all. I believe this is something a lot of us face. We get off track and then struggle to get back on board. A lady at the front desk at the gym this morning told me she has not worked out for a month and she feels awful, her bones hurt, her muscles are stiff. She knows she needs to get back into it, and yet hesitates. Why?
Because getting back into what was part of our routine is not always easy. When we get started we are not where we were when we left off, so the self defeating thoughts come back and begin to attack us. This is where we need to rise up and be gentle, on us. I am only at 25 minutes on the treadmill, I was once at 45 minutes. I have moved up from 20 minutes from last week to 25 minutes this week. It is a slow start, yes, but it is a start to returning to my good healthy fitness habit. Maybe I am struggling to get to 60 seconds on my plank, but anytime I stop, I force myself to add on five more seconds. For instance, today at 42 seconds I couldn't hold it anymore. I dropped and hit pause on the timer. After a few seconds I popped back up and pushed myself to one minute and five seconds. Is it easy? Not at all, will it be worth it when I get back to where I was before, absolutely!
Just because we get off track, does not mean we have to remain off track. Start slowly, be forgiving, don't push hard, but ease into the fitness routine.
For my routine today - I did 25 minutes on the treadmill, almost half my weight routine, 65 squats, a minute and five second plank and those lift thingies on the funky contraption that helps with your abs (can you tell I do not know what this stationary machine is called?) :-)
It is a far cry from where I was, however, at least I was at the gym and I did what I could today.
Well over two weeks went by where I did not work out at all. Now I am feeling better, and trying to get back into the routine. What a struggle I am facing.
I realize I need to work out, I am not one of those 'naturally skinny people'. Which I am beginning to think they really don't exist, at least not their entire lives. Along with needing to, I want to work out, I love how I feel after a good workout. When I don't work out, I can feel it. I ache more quickly, my muscles stiffen up more and I begin to feel blah.
Getting back into the routine started off strong on Friday. Then I got the news my friend was canceling and backing out on our dinner plans. Big bummer for me. The next day I had dinner plans with a different friend, and then she canceled. Even bigger bummer for me which left me sad and depressed. Good-bye new workout plans.
Come Monday I am feeling better, and going to the gym, 25 minutes on the treadmill use to be easy for me. My squats felt like it was taking forever just to get to 50 and I had to stop to rest to reach one minute on my planks.
What does a person do? Well, I have come to realize we need to be kinder to ourselves. I have not been pushing as hard as I want to for the past several months. Then I get sick and don't work out at all for over two weeks. Getting back into the routine is hard, and beating myself up over it wont' help at all. I believe this is something a lot of us face. We get off track and then struggle to get back on board. A lady at the front desk at the gym this morning told me she has not worked out for a month and she feels awful, her bones hurt, her muscles are stiff. She knows she needs to get back into it, and yet hesitates. Why?
Because getting back into what was part of our routine is not always easy. When we get started we are not where we were when we left off, so the self defeating thoughts come back and begin to attack us. This is where we need to rise up and be gentle, on us. I am only at 25 minutes on the treadmill, I was once at 45 minutes. I have moved up from 20 minutes from last week to 25 minutes this week. It is a slow start, yes, but it is a start to returning to my good healthy fitness habit. Maybe I am struggling to get to 60 seconds on my plank, but anytime I stop, I force myself to add on five more seconds. For instance, today at 42 seconds I couldn't hold it anymore. I dropped and hit pause on the timer. After a few seconds I popped back up and pushed myself to one minute and five seconds. Is it easy? Not at all, will it be worth it when I get back to where I was before, absolutely!
Just because we get off track, does not mean we have to remain off track. Start slowly, be forgiving, don't push hard, but ease into the fitness routine.
For my routine today - I did 25 minutes on the treadmill, almost half my weight routine, 65 squats, a minute and five second plank and those lift thingies on the funky contraption that helps with your abs (can you tell I do not know what this stationary machine is called?) :-)
It is a far cry from where I was, however, at least I was at the gym and I did what I could today.
On Life: Being Happy
I have these days when I look at someone and wonder, "are they happy"?
It happened today as I was driving to work the second half of my day from the house. I was crossing on the dam at Percy Priest Lake and there was a boat just past the buoys. The sun was at an angle where I could not really see the person on the boat that clearly. It was obvious this individual was fishing and I thought, "is that person happy?"
What does it take to be happy in life? There has been much of my life where I really do not believe I am a happy person. There are also times I don't want to be. Then it passes and life moves on and it cycles back again. I just try to tolerate myself during these durations of contemplation of unhappiness and wait it out. However, this has been going on my entire life. I would like to think I am a happy person, not all the time, but I do try. I go out and attempt to have a good attitude, be positive, speak positivity into others. That doesn't stop those days or weeks when I just wonder why I am even here? I believe my life would have been so much better if it had been given to someone who actually knew what to do with it. I reflect back and see failure after failure, endless years as a worthless secretary, and it is horrendously depressing.
When I reflect back I think of how I could have done things differently. Unfortunately, I don't know how I could have done things differently. All I can do is move forward, hope this emotional battle I face dissipates and I can try to make tomorrow a better day. When I had jobs I really enjoyed I don't recall feeling this deeply about being so unhappy. I'm not saying every day was perfect and I'm sure there were times I felt down. Yet, when I have a job I really struggle with - for example, my current position - there are more days that are harder to get through. I need a steady paycheck, I know what life is like without a job. While it would be easier for me to suck it up and find a way to simply manage having a job I do not enjoy, I can't, it is not that easy for me. That adds to the stress and strain of who I am and the struggle I face. It also makes me on the verge of feeling depressed or adds to being depressed. With that extra weight of the situation, I have a hard time working on anything. From there it turns into a downward spiral, I am not doing my best so that bothers me. I struggle to work on my writing so that gets delayed and then I feel even more discouraged.
On top of it all, right now I have this sinus thing which will not go away. Then I get caught up thinking about my health, and add everything I have already listed along with it and I have placed this large depressing weight upon myself.
I tried taking these herbal supplements which were suppose to help with anxiety. I was on them for three days when I felt a lot worse. They were something different from what I took in the past and they did not work for me at all. A different herbal supplement I picked up at the same time has not been affective either. Unfortunately, what I use to take they did not carry and the lady behind the counter swore up and down this one herbal supplement was so much better and the reason she didn't need to carry this other supplement. GET IT IN STOCK, because this crap does not work for anything. At least not for me.
What does a person do when you still have bills to pay, Christmas is coming up, I have to move in about six months, I am doing all I can to make the best of my job, and I hate life, I have a very bad attitude and I feel I am losing hope. All of that in one word is 'depressing'. I don't know the solution, therapy just annoys me because I want to go in and challenge that therapist, but I don't have that in me and I can just hear that person stating how I made the decision to go in to get help. I also don't have the time or the extra money to go into therapy. More sleep may be part of the issue, yet I struggle to go to bed at a decent hour. Just last night I was fighting myself to turn off Netflix and when I finally did, layed down, I picked up my phone and played on the internet. Not healthy choices.
I don't know the answer. Maybe I am not the only one who struggles with this up and down series of emotions that leaves you crying by the side of the lake during your lunch hour, and hating people so much you want them to stay away. Yet, you feel so alone.
Up, down, back and forth, this just cannot be normal.
It happened today as I was driving to work the second half of my day from the house. I was crossing on the dam at Percy Priest Lake and there was a boat just past the buoys. The sun was at an angle where I could not really see the person on the boat that clearly. It was obvious this individual was fishing and I thought, "is that person happy?"
What does it take to be happy in life? There has been much of my life where I really do not believe I am a happy person. There are also times I don't want to be. Then it passes and life moves on and it cycles back again. I just try to tolerate myself during these durations of contemplation of unhappiness and wait it out. However, this has been going on my entire life. I would like to think I am a happy person, not all the time, but I do try. I go out and attempt to have a good attitude, be positive, speak positivity into others. That doesn't stop those days or weeks when I just wonder why I am even here? I believe my life would have been so much better if it had been given to someone who actually knew what to do with it. I reflect back and see failure after failure, endless years as a worthless secretary, and it is horrendously depressing.
When I reflect back I think of how I could have done things differently. Unfortunately, I don't know how I could have done things differently. All I can do is move forward, hope this emotional battle I face dissipates and I can try to make tomorrow a better day. When I had jobs I really enjoyed I don't recall feeling this deeply about being so unhappy. I'm not saying every day was perfect and I'm sure there were times I felt down. Yet, when I have a job I really struggle with - for example, my current position - there are more days that are harder to get through. I need a steady paycheck, I know what life is like without a job. While it would be easier for me to suck it up and find a way to simply manage having a job I do not enjoy, I can't, it is not that easy for me. That adds to the stress and strain of who I am and the struggle I face. It also makes me on the verge of feeling depressed or adds to being depressed. With that extra weight of the situation, I have a hard time working on anything. From there it turns into a downward spiral, I am not doing my best so that bothers me. I struggle to work on my writing so that gets delayed and then I feel even more discouraged.
On top of it all, right now I have this sinus thing which will not go away. Then I get caught up thinking about my health, and add everything I have already listed along with it and I have placed this large depressing weight upon myself.
I tried taking these herbal supplements which were suppose to help with anxiety. I was on them for three days when I felt a lot worse. They were something different from what I took in the past and they did not work for me at all. A different herbal supplement I picked up at the same time has not been affective either. Unfortunately, what I use to take they did not carry and the lady behind the counter swore up and down this one herbal supplement was so much better and the reason she didn't need to carry this other supplement. GET IT IN STOCK, because this crap does not work for anything. At least not for me.
What does a person do when you still have bills to pay, Christmas is coming up, I have to move in about six months, I am doing all I can to make the best of my job, and I hate life, I have a very bad attitude and I feel I am losing hope. All of that in one word is 'depressing'. I don't know the solution, therapy just annoys me because I want to go in and challenge that therapist, but I don't have that in me and I can just hear that person stating how I made the decision to go in to get help. I also don't have the time or the extra money to go into therapy. More sleep may be part of the issue, yet I struggle to go to bed at a decent hour. Just last night I was fighting myself to turn off Netflix and when I finally did, layed down, I picked up my phone and played on the internet. Not healthy choices.
I don't know the answer. Maybe I am not the only one who struggles with this up and down series of emotions that leaves you crying by the side of the lake during your lunch hour, and hating people so much you want them to stay away. Yet, you feel so alone.
Up, down, back and forth, this just cannot be normal.
Tuesday, September 20, 2016
Why They Stay
Why does one remain in a toxic situation?
While driving to work this morning, for some odd reason a comment in an e-mail that was sent out by a fellow Nashville Grotto member was going through my head. It was a comment regarding my ex's current female participant in his game of control. This person who had sent the e-mail has asked me on more than one occasion if things were not good in my relationship, why did I stay?
This is a question I can almost guarantee anyone who has been in an abusive relationship and was able to finally be free is asked. The truth is, leaving is more scary than staying. In my situation I had been looking for another job and whenever I went to apply, my ex would find an excuse to make me busy 'helping him'. Then I would be out of the time I needed to go and apply. This went on for months. A couple years ago I had come across a sheet of notebook paper with a list of jobs I wanted to go and apply for, at the top was in his handwriting a sad face. When things would get bad and I would pull away he would try and play nice and lure me back in. Unfortunately, I was insecure enough to return, after all like many others I did not want to live life alone.
There was the day when I had to face the fact I was not even telling two of my closest friends what was really going on in the relationship. If I did, it meant I would have to hear them tell me it was time to get out. I did not want to hear it, so I stayed quiet. Followed was me not even being able to look at myself in the mirror. Eventually I would stare out over the pretty landscape of the country side where we lived and the deep sadness I faced having to accept that view would be temporary. I had to get out and I did not know how.
Almost three years to the day has passed and while I have a decent paying job (not great, but it pays the bills and allows me to eat). I am looking to (hopefully) buy a house in the next year or so. However, I am still alone, I have gone out and dated and accepted that whole world is awful, why take a chance to be with the wrong guy? I dated one man for almost a year and he just up and stopped talking to me. I know he has issues, but I didn't think he would fall off the earth on me. Online dating is an absolute joke, bars are not an option, hobbies, volunteering, church, I have tried it ALL and I am still ALONE.
Yet, my ex is with his current female who he has been with since he and I broke up, so I look like to others a basket case, because he is in a relationship and I am not. The only peace I can bring to myself is the fact that he went from his wife to me (against my better judgment OUR friends insisted we date and talked me into going out with him), then a woman got between us, then he came back to me and now he is with her...rebound cannot end in a happy ending. I'm sure the fact that his spoiled brat son (yes, rude, but IF you ONLY KNEW) is out of the house and onto college, he doesn't work with her like he did me - which I loved, but he couldn't handle, and he does not want to be alone. DEEP INSECURITY - so of course he will do whatever it takes to pretend to be happy and make that relationship work. I keep telling myself the truth will set me free and that will eventually fall apart.
Until then, I cannot let myself think about it beyond that trail of thought. I go back to focusing on my life, my bills, my goals.
Unless you have been there, you cannot understand. It seems so simple, "just leave". It is not that simple. Especially if you do love that person, and maybe it seems twisted, how can you love someone who is mean and cruel to you? Because he was not always that way, so you being to make excuses for that behavior and from there it spirals. You proceed to have good days and bad days, good weeks and bad weeks. For me and for many other women, it means the loss of your home.
The best thing to do is if you cannot understand something, don't judge. Think about the words you speak as what you ask or question may seem innocent, but honestly, can be so hard to hear. Being in an abusive relationship, having to face yourself, your family, your friends, the world, is already hard. Then to hear things that seem simplistic to one who is not in that situation, who has steady employment, a place to live, food on the table, things you do not think twice about, is hurtful, and adds to the self defeating thoughts you are already fighting.
Be kind. Just be kind. Because the truth is, you really do not know what that other person may be going through or what they have been through. Especially when the answer is not as simple as it may seem to be.
While driving to work this morning, for some odd reason a comment in an e-mail that was sent out by a fellow Nashville Grotto member was going through my head. It was a comment regarding my ex's current female participant in his game of control. This person who had sent the e-mail has asked me on more than one occasion if things were not good in my relationship, why did I stay?
This is a question I can almost guarantee anyone who has been in an abusive relationship and was able to finally be free is asked. The truth is, leaving is more scary than staying. In my situation I had been looking for another job and whenever I went to apply, my ex would find an excuse to make me busy 'helping him'. Then I would be out of the time I needed to go and apply. This went on for months. A couple years ago I had come across a sheet of notebook paper with a list of jobs I wanted to go and apply for, at the top was in his handwriting a sad face. When things would get bad and I would pull away he would try and play nice and lure me back in. Unfortunately, I was insecure enough to return, after all like many others I did not want to live life alone.
There was the day when I had to face the fact I was not even telling two of my closest friends what was really going on in the relationship. If I did, it meant I would have to hear them tell me it was time to get out. I did not want to hear it, so I stayed quiet. Followed was me not even being able to look at myself in the mirror. Eventually I would stare out over the pretty landscape of the country side where we lived and the deep sadness I faced having to accept that view would be temporary. I had to get out and I did not know how.
Almost three years to the day has passed and while I have a decent paying job (not great, but it pays the bills and allows me to eat). I am looking to (hopefully) buy a house in the next year or so. However, I am still alone, I have gone out and dated and accepted that whole world is awful, why take a chance to be with the wrong guy? I dated one man for almost a year and he just up and stopped talking to me. I know he has issues, but I didn't think he would fall off the earth on me. Online dating is an absolute joke, bars are not an option, hobbies, volunteering, church, I have tried it ALL and I am still ALONE.
Yet, my ex is with his current female who he has been with since he and I broke up, so I look like to others a basket case, because he is in a relationship and I am not. The only peace I can bring to myself is the fact that he went from his wife to me (against my better judgment OUR friends insisted we date and talked me into going out with him), then a woman got between us, then he came back to me and now he is with her...rebound cannot end in a happy ending. I'm sure the fact that his spoiled brat son (yes, rude, but IF you ONLY KNEW) is out of the house and onto college, he doesn't work with her like he did me - which I loved, but he couldn't handle, and he does not want to be alone. DEEP INSECURITY - so of course he will do whatever it takes to pretend to be happy and make that relationship work. I keep telling myself the truth will set me free and that will eventually fall apart.
Until then, I cannot let myself think about it beyond that trail of thought. I go back to focusing on my life, my bills, my goals.
Unless you have been there, you cannot understand. It seems so simple, "just leave". It is not that simple. Especially if you do love that person, and maybe it seems twisted, how can you love someone who is mean and cruel to you? Because he was not always that way, so you being to make excuses for that behavior and from there it spirals. You proceed to have good days and bad days, good weeks and bad weeks. For me and for many other women, it means the loss of your home.
The best thing to do is if you cannot understand something, don't judge. Think about the words you speak as what you ask or question may seem innocent, but honestly, can be so hard to hear. Being in an abusive relationship, having to face yourself, your family, your friends, the world, is already hard. Then to hear things that seem simplistic to one who is not in that situation, who has steady employment, a place to live, food on the table, things you do not think twice about, is hurtful, and adds to the self defeating thoughts you are already fighting.
Be kind. Just be kind. Because the truth is, you really do not know what that other person may be going through or what they have been through. Especially when the answer is not as simple as it may seem to be.
Wednesday, September 14, 2016
Seeking a Better Life
I feel lost sometimes, mostly frustrated on any given day. There is so much more that I want out of life. I know what I want... I'm not 100% certain how to get there and I am simply hoping the steps I am taking will make it happen.
The whole process feels tiring and I am exhausted. Daily the idea of lying down, staring blankly at Netflix is so appealing, yet if I do, there is this very small voice telling me to get up, write, create, send out a query, research a magazine, what articles have the magazines you want to write for have published from the past six months. I go to click the mouse on the computer and traditionally end up going to the next show on Netflix. Mentally check out... I am trying to suck it at with my day job, it is not the greatest job, it is not the worst of jobs. I don't want to announce how displeased I am with the position as it is what pays the bills right now. It is also a position I need to keep me employed until the next step comes along and I do not know when that will be. For now, I keep hoping I can go home to see my family for Christmas, pursue writing to supplement my income and continue to gain credibility as a writer.
Thankfully, I have good resources, friends who are in the profession who are kind enough to encourage me and keep me sustained as I pursue my goals. It cannot be denied I pray those goals come to fruition sooner rather than later. Maintaining that energy is not always easy while working full time, with two part time jobs. Things are good, I just want better...and I keep pushing myself to keep putting one foot in front of the other until I can gain some ground and get there.
The whole process feels tiring and I am exhausted. Daily the idea of lying down, staring blankly at Netflix is so appealing, yet if I do, there is this very small voice telling me to get up, write, create, send out a query, research a magazine, what articles have the magazines you want to write for have published from the past six months. I go to click the mouse on the computer and traditionally end up going to the next show on Netflix. Mentally check out... I am trying to suck it at with my day job, it is not the greatest job, it is not the worst of jobs. I don't want to announce how displeased I am with the position as it is what pays the bills right now. It is also a position I need to keep me employed until the next step comes along and I do not know when that will be. For now, I keep hoping I can go home to see my family for Christmas, pursue writing to supplement my income and continue to gain credibility as a writer.
Thankfully, I have good resources, friends who are in the profession who are kind enough to encourage me and keep me sustained as I pursue my goals. It cannot be denied I pray those goals come to fruition sooner rather than later. Maintaining that energy is not always easy while working full time, with two part time jobs. Things are good, I just want better...and I keep pushing myself to keep putting one foot in front of the other until I can gain some ground and get there.
Monday, September 5, 2016
Life...is pissing me off
I am way off track from where I want to be. It is absolutely irritating. It doesn't help that while I may like the independence my job offers, I don't like it. I don't like driving all over Middle-TN to get to offices to figure out how to run their 'lab' which is really in a loose term, and not make any damn mistakes, to be off to a different place the next day. I have my routine interrupted every day. I don't get to the gym as I want which is disappointing. I don't want to be overweight, I want to be fit and thin and in shape. Each day that passes is just another day waiting which will be extra hard work to burn off the calories.
For the past week I have been sick, so sick that for the past three days I have had a hard time getting out of bed. That is not like me, at all. It doesn't help that I have this throbbing headache that won't go away and there is someone downstairs in the house I live in with a freaking trombone blasting away. Until he finished I sat in my room with my ears plugged because it hurt so much.
Everything I use or need in any kind of daily or routine basis is piled up in a bedroom, a small, small bedroom. I am grateful to be indoors, to have a bed to sleep in a bathroom to use. However, as I progressively get more and more on my feet I want my own space. Unfortunately, even with a recent raise, I don't have the financial ability to afford to live in Nashville, TN. This town is absolutely outrageous with its rent. I don't know where I will be in a year from now, but I won't reside within Davidson County anymore. I wish I could find something out towards this area west of town, Ashland City, but even rent out there is high and houses that come up for rent go really quickly because it is such a beautiful area to live and very close to town.
I have not been able to work on my writing this past week, and I have wondered how dedicated writers push through sickness and keep on typing. I couldn't lift my head off the pillow for more than a few minutes on different occasions. Not writing makes me feel frustrated, because I am not where I want to be and I am not getting any closer if I am not writing or trying to pursue it.
Today is Labor Day, and while I would rather be with someone special grilling out, relaxing with him, I haven't heard from him in weeks and I am too sick to do anything except take a three hour nap. It is officially September and fall is upon us and where am I in the pursuit of my goals? Not far enough *sigh* what I want absolutely has to be possible. A fit body, a writing career, a house of my own, traveling and feeling fulfilled and happy. Maybe not every single day, but some how... it has to be possible.
For the past week I have been sick, so sick that for the past three days I have had a hard time getting out of bed. That is not like me, at all. It doesn't help that I have this throbbing headache that won't go away and there is someone downstairs in the house I live in with a freaking trombone blasting away. Until he finished I sat in my room with my ears plugged because it hurt so much.
Everything I use or need in any kind of daily or routine basis is piled up in a bedroom, a small, small bedroom. I am grateful to be indoors, to have a bed to sleep in a bathroom to use. However, as I progressively get more and more on my feet I want my own space. Unfortunately, even with a recent raise, I don't have the financial ability to afford to live in Nashville, TN. This town is absolutely outrageous with its rent. I don't know where I will be in a year from now, but I won't reside within Davidson County anymore. I wish I could find something out towards this area west of town, Ashland City, but even rent out there is high and houses that come up for rent go really quickly because it is such a beautiful area to live and very close to town.
I have not been able to work on my writing this past week, and I have wondered how dedicated writers push through sickness and keep on typing. I couldn't lift my head off the pillow for more than a few minutes on different occasions. Not writing makes me feel frustrated, because I am not where I want to be and I am not getting any closer if I am not writing or trying to pursue it.
Today is Labor Day, and while I would rather be with someone special grilling out, relaxing with him, I haven't heard from him in weeks and I am too sick to do anything except take a three hour nap. It is officially September and fall is upon us and where am I in the pursuit of my goals? Not far enough *sigh* what I want absolutely has to be possible. A fit body, a writing career, a house of my own, traveling and feeling fulfilled and happy. Maybe not every single day, but some how... it has to be possible.
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