Why They Stay

Why does one remain in a toxic situation? 
While driving to work this morning, for some odd reason a comment in an e-mail that was sent out by a fellow Nashville Grotto member was going through my head. It was a comment regarding my ex's current female participant in his game of control. This person who had sent the e-mail has asked me on more than one occasion if things were not good in my relationship, why did I stay?
This is a question I can almost guarantee anyone who has been in an abusive relationship and was able to finally be free is asked. The truth is, leaving is more scary than staying. In my situation I had been looking for another job and whenever I went to apply, my ex would find an excuse to make me busy 'helping him'. Then I would be out of the time I needed to go and apply. This went on for months. A couple years ago I had come across a sheet of notebook paper with a list of jobs I wanted to go and apply for, at the top was in his handwriting a sad face. When things would get bad and I would pull away he would try and play nice and lure me back in. Unfortunately, I was insecure enough to return, after all like many others I did not want to live life alone.
There was the day when I had to face the fact I was not even telling two of my closest friends what was really going on in the relationship. If I did, it meant I would have to hear them tell me it was time to get out. I did not want to hear it, so I stayed quiet. Followed was me not even being able to look at myself in the mirror. Eventually I would stare out over the pretty landscape of the country side where we lived and the deep sadness I faced having to accept that view would be temporary. I had to get out and I did not know how.
Almost three years to the day has passed and while I have a decent paying job (not great, but it pays the bills and allows me to eat).  I am looking to (hopefully) buy a house in the next year or so. However, I am still alone, I have gone out and dated and accepted that whole world is awful, why take a chance to be with the wrong guy? I dated one man for almost a year and he just up and stopped talking to me. I know he has issues, but I didn't think he would fall off the earth on me. Online dating is an absolute joke, bars are not an option, hobbies, volunteering, church, I have tried it ALL and I am still ALONE.
Yet, my ex is with his current female who he has been with since he and I broke up, so I look like to others a basket case, because he is in a relationship and I am not. The only peace I can bring to myself is the fact that he went from his wife to me (against my better judgment OUR friends insisted we date and talked me into going out with him), then a woman got between us, then he came back to me and now he is with her...rebound cannot end in a happy ending. I'm sure the fact that his spoiled brat son (yes, rude, but IF you ONLY KNEW) is out of the house and onto college, he doesn't work with her like he did me - which I loved, but he couldn't handle, and he does not want to be alone. DEEP INSECURITY - so of course he will do whatever it takes to pretend to be happy and make that relationship work. I keep telling myself the truth will set me free and that will eventually fall apart.
Until then, I cannot let myself think about it beyond that trail of thought. I go back to focusing on my life, my bills, my goals.

Unless you have been there, you cannot understand. It seems so simple, "just leave". It is not that simple. Especially if you do love that person, and maybe it seems twisted, how can you love someone who is mean and cruel to you? Because he was not always that way, so you being to make excuses for that behavior and from there it spirals. You proceed to have good days and bad days, good weeks and bad weeks. For me and for many other women, it means the loss of your home.
The best thing to do is if you cannot understand something, don't judge. Think about the words you speak as what you ask or question may seem innocent, but honestly, can be so hard to hear. Being in an abusive relationship, having to face yourself, your family, your friends, the world, is already hard. Then to hear things that seem simplistic to one who is not in that situation, who has steady employment, a place to live, food on the table, things you do not think twice about, is hurtful, and adds to the self defeating thoughts you are already fighting.
Be kind. Just be kind. Because the truth is, you really do not know what that other person may be going through or what they have been through. Especially when the answer is not as simple as it may seem to be.