This morning I was walking into Aldi's and I realized, for the past three years I have been going to this location. Three years ago I was substantially struggling with life. I had no home, I had no job, and I was heartbroken. Each day I was taking baby steps to piece it all together just to get through the moment so I could heal.
Now, three years later I am still going to the same Aldi's. This time I am in a different position. I have one full time job and three part time jobs. Steady paychecks coming in to pay the bills and help me get caught up on the debt that has piled up over the years. I am not broken, but not fully healed either. Not yet.
The new situation of stress in my life is my day job. I am very thankful and grateful for this job and very grateful for the paycheck that comes every two weeks. However, I am immensely unhappy and gradually becoming more and more unhealthy. What is the true cost to having a paycheck from a company who is running you into the ground and taking advantage of you? Yet, here I am walking in through the sliding glass doors, knowing I am still on a tight budget, but not scared I won't be able to afford vegetables and fruits for my chickens. However, as I walk through the aisles of this small grocery store, I am fighting tears, doing what I can to avoid eye contact so I don't have a moment of weakness that would make me start to cry.
While I don't know what to do exactly here, I do need a job, I want to get ahead and ideally I want to buy a house in the next few months. In order to do that - I need to work, and keep this current position so I can stay in good standing with the bank for my potential house loan. I want to try and keep this job until May, then I can go enjoy their company picnic, and hopefully have found more rewarding employment by then. I'm burnt out, frustrated, unhappy, and desire to be in a completely different career field. Which is why when one has a goal, they need to find the drive within them to pursue it. The road to success is paved with a million stories. Everyone has gotten to where they are differently.
We are all on our own journey. Often we will have set backs, fall down, skin our knees, have hurt feelings, but we have to get up and move forward. Maybe all you can do is take the smallest steps in the world as you fight through your hurt and pain. It doesn't matter the size of the step, you just have to take them one foot in front of the other. What is amazing about our journey is the people, the life experiences that we will encounter and endure during those steps which are being taken.
Then, the next thing you know, three years have passed, and you have more wisdom, more of a life lived, and the hurt is even further behind you.
No matter where you are today, you can be somewhere completely different tomorrow, next month or next year. Maybe your physical location is the same, but the path to where you truly want to be in life, can be achieved with hard work and dedication.
It certainly will not be easy - no one ever said this would be easy and those who have, lied. However, that hard work you put in today will pay off, maybe not immediately, but with time you will see a change. IF you want to put in the effort.
Wednesday, November 23, 2016
Wednesday, November 16, 2016
Hatred
Yesterday, a man I know casually on Facebook posted how his daughter from Haiti experienced racism yesterday. He expressed how he was sad his daughter would go through such a thing.
While it is horribly awful for anyone to experience racism, you can experience ignorance in so many aspects. As parents, you want to protect your child from any kind of harm. However, sad and hurt feelings are a part of life, and it is how we react to them what really matters. If we are never taught how to handle being sad, hurt or scared in our youth, we won't ever know how to handle them as adults. That can potentially lead to a variety of vices, which often are not healthy.
When we face situations which cause hurt, sadness, anger, frustration, in our lives and especially in the lives of our children, use that as an opportunity to learn, to empower, uplift. Teach to show words of kindness and love to others. We all experience these emotions, and it is important to learn how to handle hurt feelings, so as we grow and begin to experience these emotions at work, at play, at church and any place life leads us, we are equipped to do our best to be our best. Because the only way to become our best self, is by being pushed to get out there.
When you experience hurt, sadness, or an emotion that brings you down, work through that hurt. Find the strength to push forward, and have peace in your heart.
We have hate in the world we live in, and it is how we react to it that matters.
While it is horribly awful for anyone to experience racism, you can experience ignorance in so many aspects. As parents, you want to protect your child from any kind of harm. However, sad and hurt feelings are a part of life, and it is how we react to them what really matters. If we are never taught how to handle being sad, hurt or scared in our youth, we won't ever know how to handle them as adults. That can potentially lead to a variety of vices, which often are not healthy.
When we face situations which cause hurt, sadness, anger, frustration, in our lives and especially in the lives of our children, use that as an opportunity to learn, to empower, uplift. Teach to show words of kindness and love to others. We all experience these emotions, and it is important to learn how to handle hurt feelings, so as we grow and begin to experience these emotions at work, at play, at church and any place life leads us, we are equipped to do our best to be our best. Because the only way to become our best self, is by being pushed to get out there.
When you experience hurt, sadness, or an emotion that brings you down, work through that hurt. Find the strength to push forward, and have peace in your heart.
We have hate in the world we live in, and it is how we react to it that matters.
Sunday, November 13, 2016
Life Altering
When I wake up in the morning it is to the blaring of an alarm clock. Often I hit snooze anywhere from fifteen to thirty minutes. I have been doing this routine of my current position since April, by the middle of June, I was burnt out.
Seeking a better life is what I am trying to do. I'm not afraid of hard work, I welcome it. However, more and more I am finding myself only focused on work and not the kind that drives me or motivates me. My heart wants more, it desires more and I am seeking more.
Tomorrow I will get the news of an opportunity which God has brought to me not just once, but twice. It would be a blessing to say the least. Working for an incredible organization, working with a group of intelligent and driven individuals who are wonderfully approachable. This opportunity, simply put, would alter my life.
I would be able to back almost completely away from the doctors office I work in on Saturday's. I would have the time to pursue my writing. Depending on my work performance will depend on the amount of hours which will over the course of time and results, potentially will increase the hours to this position. As that won't happen over night, the door to that position becoming full time lies in wait.
I have to believe in my heart if this opportunity is meant to be, it will be.
My heart is ready for a change. I'm worn out, tired, and working for a company which -as my mother puts it- takes advantage of me, I have to believe that God has something better waiting for me.
Seeking a better life is what I am trying to do. I'm not afraid of hard work, I welcome it. However, more and more I am finding myself only focused on work and not the kind that drives me or motivates me. My heart wants more, it desires more and I am seeking more.
Tomorrow I will get the news of an opportunity which God has brought to me not just once, but twice. It would be a blessing to say the least. Working for an incredible organization, working with a group of intelligent and driven individuals who are wonderfully approachable. This opportunity, simply put, would alter my life.
I would be able to back almost completely away from the doctors office I work in on Saturday's. I would have the time to pursue my writing. Depending on my work performance will depend on the amount of hours which will over the course of time and results, potentially will increase the hours to this position. As that won't happen over night, the door to that position becoming full time lies in wait.
I have to believe in my heart if this opportunity is meant to be, it will be.
My heart is ready for a change. I'm worn out, tired, and working for a company which -as my mother puts it- takes advantage of me, I have to believe that God has something better waiting for me.
Monday, October 31, 2016
Genetic Testing
There was a story on npr this morning about genetic testing babies.
I just do not agree with this practice.
My biggest concern, and forgive my conspiracy side here, but why do we need to know so much information and how much of it is being gathered by the government? I find it odd that while working in a doctors office in Middle-TN a genetic testing company came and encouraged doctors to test patients - especially those with Medicare - they got social security numbers, personal and medical information and one day...they closed up shop. No trace of them and majority of these patients who submitted to this testing NEVER got their results.
We have gone centuries doing just fine without genetic testing. I believe quite firmly we will continue to do find without it. Where it comes to specific treatment such as cancer, I open the doors and welcome it. However, to simply do random genetic testing on people and babies, no, I do not see the purpose. It only adds more worry, stress and fear.
Let us continue to live our lives, take care of ourselves, eat well and do our own research on top of what the medical doctors tell us when it comes to healthcare.
I just do not agree with this practice.
My biggest concern, and forgive my conspiracy side here, but why do we need to know so much information and how much of it is being gathered by the government? I find it odd that while working in a doctors office in Middle-TN a genetic testing company came and encouraged doctors to test patients - especially those with Medicare - they got social security numbers, personal and medical information and one day...they closed up shop. No trace of them and majority of these patients who submitted to this testing NEVER got their results.
We have gone centuries doing just fine without genetic testing. I believe quite firmly we will continue to do find without it. Where it comes to specific treatment such as cancer, I open the doors and welcome it. However, to simply do random genetic testing on people and babies, no, I do not see the purpose. It only adds more worry, stress and fear.
Let us continue to live our lives, take care of ourselves, eat well and do our own research on top of what the medical doctors tell us when it comes to healthcare.
Tuesday, September 27, 2016
Thoughts
When I am away from the computer, I come up with these stories, these ideas. Driving down the road I think of things I want to write and put into a story, a blog entry, an article. Then I get to my laptop and I am overwhelmed by the things which linger to get done. The disarray of my things stuffed into a single bedroom and I shut down. That idea I had two hours ago is gone.
Something I think about often is, where is this life leading? Three years ago life came crashing down, I was deeply depressed, two years ago I was living out on the streets, a year ago I was in the house I am in now renting a room. Currently, after trying to slowly get my truck fixed, pay bills as close to on time as possible, I am debating the idea of buying a house. My information is with a lender and I was suppose to get a call today to find out what they had to tell me. I have six months before I need to be out of where I live now. I am trying to figure out how I am going to buy a plane ticket to go home for Christmas, Christmas presents, rent, bills, start saving for a mission trip, new tires, an alignment, and rear repair to my truck, all within the next six months.
It is overwhelming. I don't even know what to think. Right now, I am tired, exhausted, I can barely keep my eyes open but after this particular day of feeling stressed, trying to get a work tablet to function, managing staff, going through belongings to try and get organized, I am done for the day. So much lies and waits ahead. There is so much I want to try and do. How it will all work out, I don't know, however, I feel I need to find the strength to somehow push through this exhaustion to go after the life I really want for myself.
I am incredibly grateful things are getting better, life is getting back on track. But, there is still a long ways to go to get to where I want to be.
#dreams #goals
Something I think about often is, where is this life leading? Three years ago life came crashing down, I was deeply depressed, two years ago I was living out on the streets, a year ago I was in the house I am in now renting a room. Currently, after trying to slowly get my truck fixed, pay bills as close to on time as possible, I am debating the idea of buying a house. My information is with a lender and I was suppose to get a call today to find out what they had to tell me. I have six months before I need to be out of where I live now. I am trying to figure out how I am going to buy a plane ticket to go home for Christmas, Christmas presents, rent, bills, start saving for a mission trip, new tires, an alignment, and rear repair to my truck, all within the next six months.
It is overwhelming. I don't even know what to think. Right now, I am tired, exhausted, I can barely keep my eyes open but after this particular day of feeling stressed, trying to get a work tablet to function, managing staff, going through belongings to try and get organized, I am done for the day. So much lies and waits ahead. There is so much I want to try and do. How it will all work out, I don't know, however, I feel I need to find the strength to somehow push through this exhaustion to go after the life I really want for myself.
I am incredibly grateful things are getting better, life is getting back on track. But, there is still a long ways to go to get to where I want to be.
#dreams #goals
Wednesday, September 21, 2016
FITNESS - Getting Back Into the Routine
I have been sick - the most sick I have been in at least ten years. It has been awful. A fever, sinus, coughing, absolutely miserable where I could barely get out of bed.
Well over two weeks went by where I did not work out at all. Now I am feeling better, and trying to get back into the routine. What a struggle I am facing.
I realize I need to work out, I am not one of those 'naturally skinny people'. Which I am beginning to think they really don't exist, at least not their entire lives. Along with needing to, I want to work out, I love how I feel after a good workout. When I don't work out, I can feel it. I ache more quickly, my muscles stiffen up more and I begin to feel blah.
Getting back into the routine started off strong on Friday. Then I got the news my friend was canceling and backing out on our dinner plans. Big bummer for me. The next day I had dinner plans with a different friend, and then she canceled. Even bigger bummer for me which left me sad and depressed. Good-bye new workout plans.
Come Monday I am feeling better, and going to the gym, 25 minutes on the treadmill use to be easy for me. My squats felt like it was taking forever just to get to 50 and I had to stop to rest to reach one minute on my planks.
What does a person do? Well, I have come to realize we need to be kinder to ourselves. I have not been pushing as hard as I want to for the past several months. Then I get sick and don't work out at all for over two weeks. Getting back into the routine is hard, and beating myself up over it wont' help at all. I believe this is something a lot of us face. We get off track and then struggle to get back on board. A lady at the front desk at the gym this morning told me she has not worked out for a month and she feels awful, her bones hurt, her muscles are stiff. She knows she needs to get back into it, and yet hesitates. Why?
Because getting back into what was part of our routine is not always easy. When we get started we are not where we were when we left off, so the self defeating thoughts come back and begin to attack us. This is where we need to rise up and be gentle, on us. I am only at 25 minutes on the treadmill, I was once at 45 minutes. I have moved up from 20 minutes from last week to 25 minutes this week. It is a slow start, yes, but it is a start to returning to my good healthy fitness habit. Maybe I am struggling to get to 60 seconds on my plank, but anytime I stop, I force myself to add on five more seconds. For instance, today at 42 seconds I couldn't hold it anymore. I dropped and hit pause on the timer. After a few seconds I popped back up and pushed myself to one minute and five seconds. Is it easy? Not at all, will it be worth it when I get back to where I was before, absolutely!
Just because we get off track, does not mean we have to remain off track. Start slowly, be forgiving, don't push hard, but ease into the fitness routine.
For my routine today - I did 25 minutes on the treadmill, almost half my weight routine, 65 squats, a minute and five second plank and those lift thingies on the funky contraption that helps with your abs (can you tell I do not know what this stationary machine is called?) :-)
It is a far cry from where I was, however, at least I was at the gym and I did what I could today.
Well over two weeks went by where I did not work out at all. Now I am feeling better, and trying to get back into the routine. What a struggle I am facing.
I realize I need to work out, I am not one of those 'naturally skinny people'. Which I am beginning to think they really don't exist, at least not their entire lives. Along with needing to, I want to work out, I love how I feel after a good workout. When I don't work out, I can feel it. I ache more quickly, my muscles stiffen up more and I begin to feel blah.
Getting back into the routine started off strong on Friday. Then I got the news my friend was canceling and backing out on our dinner plans. Big bummer for me. The next day I had dinner plans with a different friend, and then she canceled. Even bigger bummer for me which left me sad and depressed. Good-bye new workout plans.
Come Monday I am feeling better, and going to the gym, 25 minutes on the treadmill use to be easy for me. My squats felt like it was taking forever just to get to 50 and I had to stop to rest to reach one minute on my planks.
What does a person do? Well, I have come to realize we need to be kinder to ourselves. I have not been pushing as hard as I want to for the past several months. Then I get sick and don't work out at all for over two weeks. Getting back into the routine is hard, and beating myself up over it wont' help at all. I believe this is something a lot of us face. We get off track and then struggle to get back on board. A lady at the front desk at the gym this morning told me she has not worked out for a month and she feels awful, her bones hurt, her muscles are stiff. She knows she needs to get back into it, and yet hesitates. Why?
Because getting back into what was part of our routine is not always easy. When we get started we are not where we were when we left off, so the self defeating thoughts come back and begin to attack us. This is where we need to rise up and be gentle, on us. I am only at 25 minutes on the treadmill, I was once at 45 minutes. I have moved up from 20 minutes from last week to 25 minutes this week. It is a slow start, yes, but it is a start to returning to my good healthy fitness habit. Maybe I am struggling to get to 60 seconds on my plank, but anytime I stop, I force myself to add on five more seconds. For instance, today at 42 seconds I couldn't hold it anymore. I dropped and hit pause on the timer. After a few seconds I popped back up and pushed myself to one minute and five seconds. Is it easy? Not at all, will it be worth it when I get back to where I was before, absolutely!
Just because we get off track, does not mean we have to remain off track. Start slowly, be forgiving, don't push hard, but ease into the fitness routine.
For my routine today - I did 25 minutes on the treadmill, almost half my weight routine, 65 squats, a minute and five second plank and those lift thingies on the funky contraption that helps with your abs (can you tell I do not know what this stationary machine is called?) :-)
It is a far cry from where I was, however, at least I was at the gym and I did what I could today.
On Life: Being Happy
I have these days when I look at someone and wonder, "are they happy"?
It happened today as I was driving to work the second half of my day from the house. I was crossing on the dam at Percy Priest Lake and there was a boat just past the buoys. The sun was at an angle where I could not really see the person on the boat that clearly. It was obvious this individual was fishing and I thought, "is that person happy?"
What does it take to be happy in life? There has been much of my life where I really do not believe I am a happy person. There are also times I don't want to be. Then it passes and life moves on and it cycles back again. I just try to tolerate myself during these durations of contemplation of unhappiness and wait it out. However, this has been going on my entire life. I would like to think I am a happy person, not all the time, but I do try. I go out and attempt to have a good attitude, be positive, speak positivity into others. That doesn't stop those days or weeks when I just wonder why I am even here? I believe my life would have been so much better if it had been given to someone who actually knew what to do with it. I reflect back and see failure after failure, endless years as a worthless secretary, and it is horrendously depressing.
When I reflect back I think of how I could have done things differently. Unfortunately, I don't know how I could have done things differently. All I can do is move forward, hope this emotional battle I face dissipates and I can try to make tomorrow a better day. When I had jobs I really enjoyed I don't recall feeling this deeply about being so unhappy. I'm not saying every day was perfect and I'm sure there were times I felt down. Yet, when I have a job I really struggle with - for example, my current position - there are more days that are harder to get through. I need a steady paycheck, I know what life is like without a job. While it would be easier for me to suck it up and find a way to simply manage having a job I do not enjoy, I can't, it is not that easy for me. That adds to the stress and strain of who I am and the struggle I face. It also makes me on the verge of feeling depressed or adds to being depressed. With that extra weight of the situation, I have a hard time working on anything. From there it turns into a downward spiral, I am not doing my best so that bothers me. I struggle to work on my writing so that gets delayed and then I feel even more discouraged.
On top of it all, right now I have this sinus thing which will not go away. Then I get caught up thinking about my health, and add everything I have already listed along with it and I have placed this large depressing weight upon myself.
I tried taking these herbal supplements which were suppose to help with anxiety. I was on them for three days when I felt a lot worse. They were something different from what I took in the past and they did not work for me at all. A different herbal supplement I picked up at the same time has not been affective either. Unfortunately, what I use to take they did not carry and the lady behind the counter swore up and down this one herbal supplement was so much better and the reason she didn't need to carry this other supplement. GET IT IN STOCK, because this crap does not work for anything. At least not for me.
What does a person do when you still have bills to pay, Christmas is coming up, I have to move in about six months, I am doing all I can to make the best of my job, and I hate life, I have a very bad attitude and I feel I am losing hope. All of that in one word is 'depressing'. I don't know the solution, therapy just annoys me because I want to go in and challenge that therapist, but I don't have that in me and I can just hear that person stating how I made the decision to go in to get help. I also don't have the time or the extra money to go into therapy. More sleep may be part of the issue, yet I struggle to go to bed at a decent hour. Just last night I was fighting myself to turn off Netflix and when I finally did, layed down, I picked up my phone and played on the internet. Not healthy choices.
I don't know the answer. Maybe I am not the only one who struggles with this up and down series of emotions that leaves you crying by the side of the lake during your lunch hour, and hating people so much you want them to stay away. Yet, you feel so alone.
Up, down, back and forth, this just cannot be normal.
It happened today as I was driving to work the second half of my day from the house. I was crossing on the dam at Percy Priest Lake and there was a boat just past the buoys. The sun was at an angle where I could not really see the person on the boat that clearly. It was obvious this individual was fishing and I thought, "is that person happy?"
What does it take to be happy in life? There has been much of my life where I really do not believe I am a happy person. There are also times I don't want to be. Then it passes and life moves on and it cycles back again. I just try to tolerate myself during these durations of contemplation of unhappiness and wait it out. However, this has been going on my entire life. I would like to think I am a happy person, not all the time, but I do try. I go out and attempt to have a good attitude, be positive, speak positivity into others. That doesn't stop those days or weeks when I just wonder why I am even here? I believe my life would have been so much better if it had been given to someone who actually knew what to do with it. I reflect back and see failure after failure, endless years as a worthless secretary, and it is horrendously depressing.
When I reflect back I think of how I could have done things differently. Unfortunately, I don't know how I could have done things differently. All I can do is move forward, hope this emotional battle I face dissipates and I can try to make tomorrow a better day. When I had jobs I really enjoyed I don't recall feeling this deeply about being so unhappy. I'm not saying every day was perfect and I'm sure there were times I felt down. Yet, when I have a job I really struggle with - for example, my current position - there are more days that are harder to get through. I need a steady paycheck, I know what life is like without a job. While it would be easier for me to suck it up and find a way to simply manage having a job I do not enjoy, I can't, it is not that easy for me. That adds to the stress and strain of who I am and the struggle I face. It also makes me on the verge of feeling depressed or adds to being depressed. With that extra weight of the situation, I have a hard time working on anything. From there it turns into a downward spiral, I am not doing my best so that bothers me. I struggle to work on my writing so that gets delayed and then I feel even more discouraged.
On top of it all, right now I have this sinus thing which will not go away. Then I get caught up thinking about my health, and add everything I have already listed along with it and I have placed this large depressing weight upon myself.
I tried taking these herbal supplements which were suppose to help with anxiety. I was on them for three days when I felt a lot worse. They were something different from what I took in the past and they did not work for me at all. A different herbal supplement I picked up at the same time has not been affective either. Unfortunately, what I use to take they did not carry and the lady behind the counter swore up and down this one herbal supplement was so much better and the reason she didn't need to carry this other supplement. GET IT IN STOCK, because this crap does not work for anything. At least not for me.
What does a person do when you still have bills to pay, Christmas is coming up, I have to move in about six months, I am doing all I can to make the best of my job, and I hate life, I have a very bad attitude and I feel I am losing hope. All of that in one word is 'depressing'. I don't know the solution, therapy just annoys me because I want to go in and challenge that therapist, but I don't have that in me and I can just hear that person stating how I made the decision to go in to get help. I also don't have the time or the extra money to go into therapy. More sleep may be part of the issue, yet I struggle to go to bed at a decent hour. Just last night I was fighting myself to turn off Netflix and when I finally did, layed down, I picked up my phone and played on the internet. Not healthy choices.
I don't know the answer. Maybe I am not the only one who struggles with this up and down series of emotions that leaves you crying by the side of the lake during your lunch hour, and hating people so much you want them to stay away. Yet, you feel so alone.
Up, down, back and forth, this just cannot be normal.
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