On Life: Being Happy

I have these days when I look at someone and wonder, "are they happy"?
It happened today as I was driving to work the second half of my day from the house. I was crossing on the dam at Percy Priest Lake and there was a boat just past the buoys. The sun was at an angle where I could not really see the person on the boat that clearly. It was obvious this individual was fishing and I thought, "is that person happy?"
What does it take to be happy in life? There has been much of my life where I really do not believe I am a happy person. There are also times I don't want to be. Then it passes and life moves on and it cycles back again. I just try to tolerate myself during these durations of contemplation of unhappiness and wait it out. However, this has been going on my entire life. I would like to think I am a happy person, not all the time, but I do try. I go out and attempt to have a good attitude, be positive, speak positivity into others. That doesn't stop those days or weeks when I just wonder why I am even here? I believe my life would have been so much better if it had been given to someone who actually knew what to do with it. I reflect back and see failure after failure, endless years as a worthless secretary, and it is horrendously depressing.
When I reflect back I think of how I could have done things differently. Unfortunately, I don't know how I could have done things differently.  All I can do is move forward, hope this emotional battle I face dissipates and I can try to make tomorrow a better day. When I had jobs I really enjoyed I don't recall feeling this deeply about being so unhappy. I'm not saying every day was perfect and I'm sure there were times I felt down. Yet, when I have a job I really struggle with - for example, my current position - there are more days that are harder to get through. I need a steady paycheck, I know what life is like without a job. While it would be easier for me to suck it up and find a way to simply manage having a job I do not enjoy, I can't, it is not that easy for me. That adds to the stress and strain of who I am and the struggle I face. It also makes me on the verge of feeling depressed or adds to being depressed. With that extra weight of the situation, I have a hard time working on anything. From there it turns into a downward spiral, I am not doing my best so that bothers me. I struggle to work on my writing so that gets delayed and then I feel even more discouraged.
On top of it all, right now I have this sinus thing which will not go away. Then I get caught up thinking about my health, and add everything I have already listed along with it and I have placed this large depressing weight upon myself.
I tried taking these herbal supplements which were suppose to help with anxiety. I was on them for three days when I felt a lot worse. They were something different from what I took in the past and they did not work for me at all. A different herbal supplement I picked up at the same time has not been affective either. Unfortunately, what I use to take they did not carry and the lady behind the counter swore up and down this one herbal supplement was so much better and the reason she didn't need to carry this other supplement. GET IT IN STOCK, because this crap does not work for anything. At least not for me.

What does a person do when you still have bills to pay, Christmas is coming up, I have to move in about six months, I am doing all I can to make the best of my job, and I hate life, I have a very bad attitude and I feel I am losing hope. All of that in one word is 'depressing'. I don't know the solution, therapy just annoys me because I want to go in and challenge that therapist, but I don't have that in me and I can just hear that person stating how I made the decision to go in to get help. I also don't have the time or the extra money to go into therapy. More sleep may be part of the issue, yet I struggle to go to bed at a decent hour. Just last night I was fighting myself to turn off Netflix and when I finally did, layed down, I picked up my phone and played on the internet. Not healthy choices.
I don't know the answer. Maybe I am not the only one who struggles with this up and down series of emotions that leaves you crying by the side of the lake during your lunch hour, and hating people so much you want them to stay away. Yet, you feel so alone.
Up, down, back and forth, this just cannot be normal.