What Does It Mean...?

I have officially finished watching all nine seasons of, How I Met Your Mother.  It ended so well, the writers truly did it justice. It all worked out how it was suppose to work out, he met this incredible woman who gave him two beautiful kids. She was sweet, funny, smart, musical, wore driving gloves, and was everything he ever wanted. He finally had the love he wanted so much.
At times I found myself thinking how I was very much like that Ted Mosby character.  To have that one person you marry, wake up next to, look forward to spending time with, and lying next to on lazy Sunday's and at the end of each day.
In one scene, I found it interesting as Marshall was doubting his ability to become a lawyer. He was in the process of accepting he would just settle for a lesser job. Barney was present during this emotional debate and Barney told him, no, because he would be a lawyer. It was this moment which I faced in my twenties and thirties, accepting to settle for something less than what we are able to achieve because we are afraid.
Then, the story of how he met their mother was told, and it was over...and I sobbed. I mean full on no holding back sobbing. What in the world does that even mean? Was it because of how sweet the entire thing ended? Is it because my life is not where I want it to be? Is it because I put on a happy face, and strong front when deep inside I want to go home to a husband, MY husband, and yes, a home, a house with a yard and fenced in back yard where the chickens can roam, and the dogs can play.
I don't know, and I can't explain it. Maybe there is some underlying stress, or something I'm missing? I know I miss Phillip and I have not heard from him in five weeks. I miss my parents, and my horse, and I am taking the big steps into pursuing writing at a level I have only thought about and not done before. Is it because I have invested substantial time into looking to buy a house verses renting? Finally I got to a point where I just tried to calm myself down. Splashed water on my face, made something for dinner, fed the dog, picked out a book to read, watched an episode of Bones and now here I am, crying at just the thought of all of these things as I write.
Maybe it doesn't mean anything. Maybe it does?
Part of me has this gigantic hope that something big is going to happen in my life, in my career. Part of me feels intimidated as I look around in my tiny bedroom and things have no place because I don't have a place for them. The day that I have to move and be out of this house feel like it is coming quicker than I want it to, and I am going to have to pack up all these things and move out. Which I just do not feel ready for at all. I don't always love where I live, but it is a comfort, it is secure and I don't want to go.
Unfortunately, the one constant thing in life, is change.
While change has brought good things over the years, I am so exhausted by it. I feel the past three years has been the most intense, interruptive and often times disturbing level of change. I don't fear change, I'm just tired from it. I don't want to hurt anymore. I don't want to be afraid anymore. My life was turned upside down and I don't want to ever go through that again. Hopefully, all that struggle, that hurt, that pain is behind me now and forever. Yes, we struggle, we have hurt, but the magnitude that I went through is not something I want to ever endure ever again.
May life continue to bring brighter and better things as life goes forward. Whatever caused my emotional dismay this evening, may it come forward so I can deal with it, or go away so I can be free from it.