A Lonely Life

I live a lonely life. I always have.

Growing up my closest neighborhood friend was about three miles away. In school I was never a popular kid. In college I struggled to figure out who I was and would often isolate myself from friends so I wouldn’t bring them down.

When I was involved with horses, I would see girls showing their horses, going out trail riding, rodeoing and they were always found in a couple. I kept hoping for that day when I would have a boyfriend who would be in my life so I could have someone to be with me at shows, the stable, etc.
One day that did happen, unfortunately it was during a time when I was training young horses. The boyfriend sat quietly on a bucket in the arena while I rode and trained. It was unfortunate, because young horses spook easily and he would as people do, make a noise, and it would spook this poor horse. It didn’t end up being the best of experiences and it discouraged him from coming out much after that, which I couldn’t blame him.

When I lived in Memphis, I worked at a nice stable and I would watch all the teenage girls, the other trainer, do their thing with a guy in tow. It hurt my heart but I pretended I didn’t notice and that it didn’t bother me. There was nothing I could do about it anyway.

Here I am, looking at life, alone. I wake up alone, I go to bed alone. I go out to eat alone. I go to movies alone. For the longest time it didn’t bother me. But, I have gotten to a point where I am just beyond sick of it. The last movie I saw was the Intern. It was a great movie, and I think I was able to go during a time I was the only one in the theatre. Since then, when I go to look at what is playing in the movie theatre, I stop myself because I don’t want to keep going alone.

While it is true, I don’t want to be with the wrong guy just to be with someone. It doesn’t suck any less being alone.

It hurts.

I’m not necessarily lonely, but I am tired of living a life by myself. When I look back over the years I have only had two long term boyfriends, one of five years, one of four and a half years, with a long break in between.

I’m not sure why, in this life we live, some people live so much of their life alone. I cannot speak for the other people, but I don’t enjoy it. I don’t like it, and what really sucks about the entire situation, there is nothing I can do about it.

Being around friends is not the same. It just is not the same, and if someone cannot understand that, then they cannot understand how I feel. There are times I have been surrounded by a very large group of people and felt more alone than I ever had while sitting by myself in a room.

Maybe there is some reason for it all. Growing up away from everything, trying to make the best of life while wondering what else is out there. Going to college and wanting to belong, yet not really knowing who I was at the time. Performing in dance recitals and performances and being asked by the other girls performing that night, “who is here to see you?” and my answer was “no one”. There was often no one in the audience to see me dance, except for one performance.

I don’t like celebrating my birthday because it is a reminder I am getting older alone. No one to share that day with, so why bother?

When I throw parties or gatherings, I don’t know why, but rarely do people show up. I use to enjoy the whole event planning, and people telling me they would be there, and nothing. I’ve had a few good parties and poker game nights. It gets depressing, and I don’t know if people are not interested in attending or just too busy. So, I stopped.

Now, living in Nashville, I often wonder why I stay. I don’t see my friends. Some of that is because I am exhausted, and recently trying to pay for a truck repair so I haven’t had extra money to be able to afford to go out. But, considering I received a gift card for a nice restaurant I asked several friends to join me for dinner. It was more than enough to pay for two meals. After asking for over a year, I finally said screw it and went BY MYSELF. What is the point of staying somewhere when even though, yes, you have friends, you never see them?

Yet, moving somewhere that is familiar and you only know about two people who still live there and they are incredibly busy people...what is the point, because that is basically starting over.

I don’t know the answer. I keep hoping it will come to me. However, considering, the job market in that area is crap… the idea of relocating to only get a job that does not pay well, isn’t worth it.

Walking up the steps into the house this afternoon after work I thought to myself, ‘where will I be in a year?’ I know I won’t be in this house, it was made very clear in April I had one year left before I had to move out. My belongings have been in storage for three years now, and it is beyond time where I find a way to get them out so they can be used again.

Where is life leading? Will I ever have someone to share it with? That person who really will stay in my life and not just break my heart and leave.

It hurts to not know the answer.